"kids called January, February , March etc etc"

So 2010 is upon us and in the next few months the World Cup. First let me wish all of my many many many readers (all 9 of you) a 2010 that is all they wish for and that you keep reading the Blog. “Try and persuade some friends to read it as well”.

So what has the ex-village idiot been up to in the city this last week, well lets me see if I can remember?

The beach police in PE are pretty “Woes” for those English readers it means “Mean and pissed off”, especially with the Kabooms trying to blow sh-t up all over the world there has been a concerted effort in ensuring that the beaches are properly patrolled and that Achmed or one of his mates don’t sneak in from the surf and blow up a family playing beach cricket or flying kites. He was however a little late in preventing a collision between two ships, one coming into port and the other leaving (nah not really just clever camera work)

On Sunday we went to the beachfront market, think I saw some of the Nigerians that sell at the square in Clarens J. Had a gent come up to us wanting to know if we wanted to buy a gun “luckily it was a bb gun” he then asked if we wanted to buy some Viagra …….. “now I know I am getting old , but fortunately at present I have no need for the little blue tablet:-)…………. So come to PE for the world cup and we can either put lead in your ass or lead in your pencil………just depends on what floats your boat.

How do I know PE is different to Clarens? well went with the family to Schoonies ( a beach, sorry “giant rockery”) to collect shells, tumbled glass and have a walk and as we where going to start the walk a sign with a giant skull and crossbones stuck on a dustbin stating that 8 attacks since beginning of January had taken place and that the pathway was dangeroooooooooooooooooooooos. “We went for the walk anyway” But I see in the latest Eish that a house was broken into in Malherbe Street, seems that Crime is moving to Clarens in a BIG way.

Tania pointed out that she still looks at cars in PE and expects certain individuals from Clarens to be driving them, probably because Clarens is that small that you see the car and wave as you know the driver.

Also something to get used to is that on a Sunday the shops are open like it’s a normal day so I have lost track of time over the last week or so, something I am sure we will get used to……………… must say missing me mates in the village, don’t have anyone at the moment to abuse like I used to do with Kelvin and his barmen at Friends, will have to find another mentally challenged barman/owner in PE that will take the crap and dish it out.

Oh this is specifically for Kelvin; Mc Donald’s is a horrendous distance of some 1.7kms from my front door, a mere walk away from the home of the BIG MAC heart attack. “Super size me please” is a new phrase that I use with relish (get the pun?). Don’t worry bro will have a couple for you and will always think of you when at Mc Donald’s.

Seems that PE is a city of extremes, if you drive through a suburb the houses are either nice or really crap and some houses have more security than fort Knox while others are totally open , usually its the crappy houses that have the full security…”go figure”. I should not talk to loud because all the doors that lead to the outside at our house have a Trelli door attached and it’s a pain in the ass having to open and close these things every time you go in our out or want to go somewhere and you have to ensure all are closed. Also need to get used to the sirens at night cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks, seems we have a fire station near the house; at least they have trucks that are a) from the 21st century b) actually work. The view from our bedroom balcony is a tad different than in Clarens (as you can see). Also thought had moved to the coast and GREEN scenery would be the order of the day, well it’s like Clarens in Winter here, this due to the fact there has been no rain and the dams are now 45% full with some outlying village running out of water. In fact situation is getting to the point that if we don’t get good rains soon they may have to close down certain factories.

Now I know I am an idiot but surely with the “Groot dam” that is just on our doorstep, surely they have thought about desalination plants that could turn salt water into drinkable water or water factories could use……….but then again this is SA and we will probably wait until the last drop of water is finished and then go AAAAAHHH we need a solution to not having water.

Oh yeah we have discovered that our house has a sea view, yep if you stand on our bedroom balcony with one foot on the cat, leaning over 45 degrees while precariously holding on to the pillar looking between the roof of the Caltex garage, past the squif tree over the roofs of 25 000 houses and a number of high rises and if “but only if” you have eyes like a peregrine falcon and the atmospheric conditions are just right you can indeed see a sliver of blue that could or could not be the ocean, we believe it to be the ocean as it adds another R150 000 on to the house ;-)

Gabby and I took the Triumph for a ride along the coast this week was pretty awesome, and I know Gabby really enjoyed it, was a tad windy “gotta get used to that” …. At least it wasn’t cold :-)

So those mediocre Pommie B-------d’s beat, sorry I should say humiliated and crushed SA in the second test at Durban, while I hate SA losing to any team I specifically hate it when they lose to the ‘Island dwellers” …..”why” ? I hear you ask. Well its because Poms are generally just so second rate as a people and a nation, all the good ones that can work or are half decent have left the island and their places have been filled by people from developing nations “some just as bad as the ones that stayed there” they may not be as lazy to Pommie eyes but have left their respective countries because they cannot hack it there. The Poms celebrate coming second all the time, just look at the first test when they drew one would have thought they had won……..I think the last time the Poms amounted to anything as a nation was under Winston Churchill, can you imagine if the lot that make up the UK today were around when old Hitler and his henchmen wanted to take over the world….. we would all be singing Deutschland Deutschland Uber alles, be sporting small black moustaches and have copious amount of hair under our arms (and that just the women). I actually feel sorry for kids having to grow up under that blanket of mediocrity, but then again if they live there they don’t know any different…….. I just hope that when we eventually see Amber again she was not in play school with a bunch of Muslims otherwise she will come visiting with a Paki accent and asking when the “Falafels” are going to be ready.

Not big on facebook”, I mean what did grown up people do with there time before they put down every few minutes what there eating, how they are feeling and posting comments to inane photographs of some of the dumbest things you can imagine………. Snookums status today: “Constipated but in hope of some relief :-) who wants to read that crap? (excuse the pun)...... not to mention the time they use when they should be working to send this crap out to their 20000000000000092 friends all of them trying to make the others believe that where they live is better, they earn more money, they are happier, are thinner and their kids are cuter or smarter ‘GET A life”……… face book is like smoking used to be for those that are into it its addictive and cuts into their work time by sending this crap out during work hours, Ban it from the workplace just like smoking…….. but I digress as usual.

Reason I am rambling on about facebook is that I happened to see a photo of Amber on face book crying and a comment from her aunt living on the isalnd, that Amber is crying because she is missing her aunty Lillie…………….. while i am sure that Amber is missing her aunt I would however like to think she is crying because she realises that she has to go back to the damp island and not see her South African family for a while. But hey that’s not a problem "WE HAVE FACEBOOK" and we can watch Amber grow up, read her status every day and look at the photos and video clips……… “That will be fun’.

Unlike those who live in Utopia we are unable to buy overseas tickets for next to nothing and at a moments notice ………….."wish I could have some unimportant poxy job at a salary where you are overpaid for your actual work experience or qualifications, that some lazy Pom does not want to do" and be able to afford overseas travel at a moments notice………but then again someone has to keep South Africa on the map. So enjoy the pounds, the travel, the crappy weather, the unfriendly Poms, tiny houses , shitty food, subways, Muslim suicide bombers, labour governments and no SUN, while we select few keep the place going so when you eventually return clutching a British Passport the country will still be here. "Hey I have got a BP, Unlike so many others who flash it around like a badge of honour I was actually BORN there" but prefer to use a SA one. Actually I dont understand what is so special about a British Passport these days anyway, used to be that it was a privelage to have one, now they hand them out to any Tom ,Abdul and Hungarian that pops in to the country for a few years, the exclusivity of saying I have a British passport has sort of been dilluted by just giving them to just anyone.

Seems Surreal that we are not coming back to Clarens, last 2 years we have been here for Xmas and New Years and then on the second or third headed back home, “not this year” This year we stay at home.

Found a restaurant at a place called sea view that is called Barnacles similar to my favourite pub Friends in that it serves luke warm millers and the service is shit. They do know however how to charge for bar one cake with cream or ice cream R40 per portion “yeah I thought the same that 3 portions of Friends world famous chicken strips” ……….. needless to say wont be frequenting that place in the near future.

Look at the photo and tell me that this is not the funniest thing you have seen for a while, I hope that you get them soon in Clarens so you can also “eat sum more balls” that’s like having a fish and chip shop call “Ah-Sole” …………….. I can see the TV advert now “skydivers do it in the air”, “scuba divers do it with the fishes” and “Bakers like to eat some more balls” or “Eat some more balls coming soon to a gay bar near you”

Nicky was telling me that Virgin Radio wanted to open a station in one of the rag head countries but could not call it Virgin radio as this would offend some camel jockey. I think it was because the retard sandblasted niggers all tried to commit suicide in front of the station, as it was easier to find a virgin at home that 72 in heaven.

Well New Year was a real raucous affair at “Casa Dunkley” this year with the cops being called in by our new Neighbours to ask us to keep it down, as you can see from the photographic evidence the party was just out of hand and there is no excuse for our behaviour. We had a Lekker picnic at sea view again this year, watching the sun set over the sea. Gabby and Doug did some snorkelling in a nearby cove/tidal pool and she had fun.

Doug bought the latest Men’s health magazine ….he says wants to get body in shape, I say he wants to read the sex hints and tips stories :-0, anyway there is an advert selling men’s flip flops with a bottle opener in the sole……….. who was the genius that came up with that one……….picture the scene “a group of guys and there girls on a secluded beach with a cooler box full of beer, but someone forgot the bottle opener”..… no worries Vernon has a new pair of flops that he can use to open the bottles, of course will take 30 minutes to clean off the dog poop, dead crab, halibut or sole as well as toxic waste that he walked across on the way to the secluded beach area, that has to be the dumbest thing I have heard of in 2010…..but then again the year is still young.

Have a few DVD shops within easy walking distance from the house but have Chosen Barry’s DVD’s (“The Cousin” Barry Hilton is the owner) what’s great about this shop is that you book online and they deliver, last night went to watch Invictus (will write a Blog specifically on that) but have to say that I was well impressed and would recommend it to anyone to watch, I had heard it was crap, but Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman were very good. While movie was great the Nu Metro movie house threw a huge wobbly with the place in chaos………….busy, not enough staff. The sound on the movie was crap as was the focus, so will be complaining and hopefully get some freebies J. ‘Note to self don’t go to the movies on 1st of January”.

Doug and I saw this sign at KFC and want to take 500 pieces of toilet paper and ask them to swop for 500 pieces of boneless chicken, will video and put on you tubeJ

Saturday woke up feeling a little homesick………luckily my best mate “Meat bomb” was on Skype so that helped to lift the blues a little. In fact came up with a product of our own to sell and market………picture this a black cat peanut butter lollipop with the advertising slogan “Lick my nuts”

Saturday was also Amber’s dedication at our house with Ryan doing the dedicating as he is “for those who don’t know” a pastor, it was nice with just family….so at least the "Sefrican" part of the family managed to do something special with Amber seeing that we have missed out on the last 9 months and all the things we wont get to see in the future (except on facebook of course).Grandma and Grandpa as you can see where very chuffed that Amber wore the Chritening robe that Tania, Ryan and Nicole had worn, it was a real nice touch to a personal family gathering. Afternoon evening was Cricket with FREE STATE Eagles v the Eastern Cape Warriors, watched 1st innings then had to come home as caught some 12 hour bug tat is going around….I felt like I was going to die, woke up this morning and feel good again. Eagles won the game I believe, so Warriors have lost the last 3 games…………”Umm Ryan, who am I going to support this year”?

Today was Beach day and we went to Sardinia bay with all the family (sans Gabby, as she was with her friends), snorkelled for the first time ever and was awesome, definitely going to do more of that. Hard to believe that Tuesday week Gabby goes to High School and the next part of her life journey begins. Monday I need to get my ass in gear and start looking for work, seems the plan that I would perhaps get involved with a safety company and concentrate on the hospitality side will not materialise right away so, I need to find a job in that field and work towards it.. “Who said lie was easy” …not me that’s for sure.
Need to start learning the History of PE so have decided that i will teach you as well, so hopefully from next week there will be a bit of history about PE in every Blog, this way we all get to learn about my mew hometown together.

This was sent to me by Clarenite Mr. Rolf Schlub

5 rules for keeping a woman happy (By Tiger woods)

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh..
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
Great logo I saw on a guys T - shirt at the Cricket: BREAST AEWARENESS “WE STARE BECAUSE WE CARE”

Have a great week

Ciao the “Ex” village idiot

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