Isnt Bigamy and Polygamy the same?

This was sent to me by my sister and is pretty funny, David Bullard being one of my favourite writers.

David Bullard considers taking more wives

JOHANNESBURG - I'm thinking of taking a couple of extra wives this year. I got the idea from the president himself and I think it's brilliant. It's a bit like having different cars. For example, I've got a double cab bakkie to take garden stuff down to the dump and to go on fishing trips. I've got my gay boy Mazda MX5 which is great for zipping around town and going off to choose curtain fabric and I've got a much more sensible MPV with five comfortable seats and a large loading bay. That's perfect for going on holiday packed with stuff and meeting people at the airport. Currently my first wife drives that as her everyday vehicle but she may have to drive the bakkie if subsequent wives want to drive the MPV. Of course, this doesn't include the procession of test cars delivered to the old homestead, ostensibly to be driven and evaluated. This week it's an Audi Q7 and unless I misheard the phone message there should be a Ferrari on the way.

I have always been under the impression that polygamy is illegal in this country but maybe I was confusing it with bigamy. Obviously it can't be illegal because the president has just got married again and, as we know, nobody is above the law in this country. There will be those who will try to argue that it's a Zulu cultural thing but that doesn't really convince me. For example, it's a cultural thing for my lot to ride around on horses hunting foxes but that's not even allowed in England. And it's a proud South African tradition to drive drunk but surely that doesn't qualify as a cultural right?

What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and if President Zuma can have multiple wives then so should the rest of us be allowed to should we so choose. The fact that the SA taxpayer may not be meeting the bills for our second, third and fourth wives may influence many people's decision to lead a life of polygamy but what the heck. The great political pundit and restaurant reviewer Justice Malala often writes about his "lovely wife" when he attempts to describe to us what he has been blowing his Financial Mail expense account on. I hadn't thought much about this until this weekend but maybe Justice is also a polygamist and mentions his "lovely wife" every week to differentiate her from his other, less lovely, wives. Although I imagine wives number 2/3/4 would probably get a little miffed at wife number 1 being referred to as "lovely" while they never warrant a mention.

This then is the essential difference between multiple cars and multiple wives. Cars don't get jealous but wives do and it is a demonstration of his diplomatic mastery that Jacob Zuma has been through this before and will almost certainly get married a few more times. Maybe he does it for the wedding presents.

The obvious problem with polygamy (a bit like cars actually) is you're bound to have a favourite wife. One you want to drag to the marital bed for some energetic rumpy pumpy on a regular basis. So what do you do with the others as they sulk in the sewing room, mending the holes in your leopard skin underpants? Do you promise them the same treatment at some vague distant date in the future or do you fob them off with a promise that they will attend the next opening of parliament? Tiger Woods would probably have a solution for this but he has more experience at playing 18 holes then the rest of us. For the average male polygamist it's a problem.

Then imagine what it must be like driving from KZN to Pretoria with three map reading wives in the car. As all men know, one map reading wife is bad enough. They have to hold the map upside down because that's the direction the car is travelling. Which means that they can't read the street names and that eventually ends in disaster and lots of yelling. The sat-nav has saved many a marriage, even if it is a woman's voice telling you where to go. I have programmed mine to speak in Italian because being told that you're off route and need to do a U-turn sounds much more erotic in Italian.

Then there's the problem of meals. Which wife cooks the food? Obviously the hot wife is excused culinary duties because she needs to preserve her energy for the bedroom but do the three other wives all prepare a separate dinner and then get upset when you choose one over the other? Or do they all resign themselves to the fact that "hottie" is tonight's choice yet again and just get on with preparing the food. Which means you also need to employ a food taster because with one happy and three unhappy wives it's only a matter of time before one of them accidentally adds hemlock to the recipe.

No, I think that after much consideration maybe I won't proceed with the polygamy plans after all. Forgetting one wedding anniversary is difficult enough. Can you imagine what it must be like forgetting five?

“Well at least this weeks Blog starts off with a classy writer”.

So I see that there was a coup attempt in the UK seems that two ministers of the Labour government decided that they have had enough of Brown and staged a “coup”, I was thinking to myself what did they do? Take over the coffee machine and hold the biscuit lady hostage until he decides on whether or not he will step down, “got to love those Poms”.

So I have decided that I am going to wear a Bafana shirt every Friday from now on (its Football Froday) to show my support (Ryan is doing the same) and I urge you all to support what will surely be an event to be proud of. I still have a shirt from 96 when the team was winning, so hopefully this will rub off on the current team. “Feel it in the Air” There is only ??? days left before the start of the World Cup.

Can’t get used to it getting dark so late at 7.30 pm its still pretty light, makes you feel that its earlier than it actually is, in fact got me into trouble this week as I was invited to the Prince Alfreds Guard NCO’s mess for a drink and to meet a number of members. This I did and got a tour of the 1880 built Drill hall that the unit is housed in and got a tour of its memorabilia, we then retired to the pub to have a drink or two, I bought a round for a few people in the pub and the bill came to …………wait for it R41 00 ….yes I know its awesome, brandy is R3 per tot, rum R5.00 and an Ice cold Millers a wallet busting R6……….I like it there. Hopefully I am going to get involved with the ex RSM “not in the biblical sense” to set up a reference library and possibly assist in displaying militaria that they have by the box full. They gave me a number of books and leaflets on the unit’s history, so I will definitely be putting that on the Blog, what I can tell you is the unit is the 3rd oldest in the country and the only one that uses a battle honour on its cap badge. Real great people and I think I am going to enjoy joining them for a drink or two on a Thursday night. “Oh yeah reason I got into trouble was that I lost track of time and thought it was earlier than it was due to it still being light outside”.

Gabby started High school this week, on Tuesday she had 3 hours of orientation at the school, think it was a little difficult for her as there were 200 new kids for grade 8 and most know each other from different schools etc, I think Gabby was a bit put out that when she tried to say hi to a couple of the girls they ignored her. Its going to be a big adjustment for her as her last school only had 110 kids in total and being in standard five she was the big girl in the school. It’s always hard the first few days of anything, so hopefully by this time next week she will be settled. I find it hard that I cannot take her place and save her the anxiety or the frustrations of those first days, but I suppose that is what growing up is all about. Must say she looked great in her uniform and I was a very proud dad seeing her walk into the school. Gabby also found a place to go riding this week, may have to sell a kidney to let her do it, but just to see the joy in her face is worth the sacrifices one has to make as a parent.

Job Hunting better this week, saw a personnel agent this week and seems confident that she can find the Village Idiot a job, so here is hoping. Have sent out a number of mails and only 2 agencies have bothered to reply, I have to be honest I find that absolutely disgusting that agencies who are supposed to look for jobs for clients do not have the courtesy to contact you back, obviously service is not a word in their business ethos.

An accident at a nearby intersection on Monday night had the emergency services there within 5 minutes, think it would take longer than that for the “Oke” at the Clarens Police station to answer the phone and try and get one of the local cops out of the pub or shebeen may also take a while longer. So I am well impressed with the reaction time of the emergency services in P E.
PE drivers are however crap with a capital C (so not surprised there was an accident) they make Martie “Schumacher” Du Plessis look like the dude who drove Miss Daisy. a trip to the harbour, a mere 9kms away had me grabbing the brakes on more than one occasion, cars just pull into traffic from side streets, pull over without looking and all seem to have the new indicating system. “Its state of the art, you think about turning and the indicators show what you want to do, “problem is the Frikken system does not work”! At traffic circles (and PE has PLENTY) the cars just carry on behind one another and you have to wait, if there is 200 cars they all have the right of way “perhaps they did not have that particular chapter in the K53 booklet in the Eastern Cape”?

I have to get used to driving in this traffic as some times I am still in Clarens mode and as I am driving up to a robot I am thinking to myself “ooh doesn’t that look pretty……..schreeeeeeech as I realize its red, apply brakes and then scrape my nose off the windscreen. It is probably the drive to take Gabby to school that now has me realizing that I live in a larger metropolis than the jewel of the Free State. The 13km round trip takes 40 minutes to complete.

Some really nice old buildings In PE from Victorian days and earlier so have been out and about taking some photos, also saw a small cruise ship enter the harbour this week, from what I can gather there will be a number docked over the World Cup, seems the local “Prossies” are taking swimming lessons, so they can swim out to the ships before they dock and that way get to the big spenders first.

Went to the Nelson Mandela Bay Football stadium on Thursday to watch a game between South Korea and bay United (it’s a local PE based lower division club), South Korea play the opening game against Greece here on te 12th of June so they were having a Recce and decided to play a game. Game started at 11am and despite the time there must have been 10 000 people there, lots of school kids. Stadium is nice but not as nice as I thought it would be, also the surrounding areas need to be upgraded, so maybe that has something to do with my first impression. The area the stadium is situated was probably once a nice middle class suburb, but over the years the residents have changed and along with that the way the buildings have been looked after. South Korea won 3-1 but the Bay scored first so that was good and don’t think they were outplayed to be honest.

I went by bike and must have picked the windiest day that PE has experienced in years, the trip there was not to bad but during the game the wind had picked up and the ride back was interesting to say the least. I mean have you ever seen traffic lights move ……sorry let me re-phrase that “sway” to and fro like a jibber jabber. The lamp poles must be made of rubber as they bend in the wind I saw pigeons nailing their feet to telephone poles and tying themselves and their friends to tree branches so they would not blown onto the next continent.. I am sure the locals with small dogs strap diver’s weights to their pets otherwise they would end up on the other side of the city….. “look dear is that a seagull?, no don’t think so , looks like a Chihuahua to me” You have heard the expression when pigs fly, well its not used here because its actually possible in PE . Women who wear dresses spend there time trying to keep there modesty in tact otherwise it would be like “open pole” night at Teazers….. all you would see is ass. I also saw a lady in a motorized wheelchair (its got 4 wheels and a basket on the front) heading into the wind, it looked like she was a test pilot in a F1 wind tunnel, I think the battery probably went flat before she got home.

As some of you are aware I am busy with a health and safety course and Ryan is helping a lot, especially with risk assessments, so hopefully when I do my practical and final exam the “Ex Village Idiot” will not embarrass himself to much. Thinking about it this is definitely the line that I would like to get into, may take a while, but hopefully it will happen.

So 2010 I have a quandary I love Schumacher but don’t like Mercedes, so do I support the man or the car. I suppose it will have to be the man as I have supported Schumie from Benetton days. I can’t wait to se him drive again and hope that he gives those who think they are champions a good run for their money.

Here is a little piece of advice when picking wild prickly pears……….”USE GLOVES”. Near Gabby’s new horse riding school is a wild prickly pear tree so yours truly decides he wants to pick some……….good idea “not” First tip is wear gloves, I know I should know that but I was not thinking……..first of all those minute hair like thorns get stuck in your fingers, so to get rid of them I decided to use my teeth…….bad idea as now not only did I have thorns in my fingers now I had on my tongue as well, which then managed to transfer themselves onto my cheek and palate, in fact as I am typing this I can still feel little thorns in my mouth that I have been unable to extract with either my fingers or tweezers. I am hoping they don’t go septic.

Last Blog I wrote a little about the schools, I see that this week that there is again problems with the start of school term those being

1) Books for learners have not arrived
2) Parents have not bothered to register students so they swamp the schools the day before or for a week after the school has opened
3) The schools have not had damage from last year fixed
4) Schools over the festive season get vandalized and damaged.
5) The school feeding scheme is not working properly so learners cannot concentrate as they are hungry

The above happens every year like clockwork, the same problems, surely by now the powers at be would have sorted out these “teething” problems and stop blaming the previous regime or apartheid? I have a couple of questions so if anyone from the education department actually read this BLOG then perhaps you can e-mail me at and answer the following

1) Why do schools not have books for learners at the beginning of school terms, surely a system should be in place that you have some sort of an idea as to what school will need what supplies, also when I was at school , I had to hand back text books so what happens to the text books from last year ??

2) Surely schools have a system in place that children have to be registered the year before school starts, perhaps educating inconsiderate parents as to the harm and disruption it causes all learners when parents try to register their children on the opening of school (I just think its laziness and don’t give a shit attitude)
3)How can principals, teachers ad parents allow schools to be trashed , windows broken etc, again it’s a I don’t give a shit attitude and the government will sort out, but they never do, how can a classroom that looks like its been used by a suicide bombers class be conducive to children learning. I just find it unbelievable that after 17 years of democracy we still have schools that are falling to pieces and children that roam the streets and don’t go to school. What do the Education ministers and MEC’s do to earn their monies and fancy cars, obviously nothing and it’s a disgrace.

4)Do schools not get security over holiday periods? how is it possible that schools get trashed all the time, I just find it amazing that this happens all the time.

5)Instead of spending R on weapons of war and fancy cars perhaps the government should use that money to upgrade schools, train teachers and have feeding schemes for those children less fortunate. And before you go oh but we never had feeding schemes when we where at school, if you go back min history you will find that in the 30’s and 40’s many white children where fed at school.

Perhaps the question I want to ask is this, why is it that all these problems occur at black run schools and schools administered by whites do not have these problems, is it because they had better education, are more conscientious, care about the kids don’t spend the year chasing the girls round the tables? I mean gabby goes to a semi government school that has as many black and coloured kids as white kids, the school looks great, the kids are all in uniform, the books are all there and the years lessons are planned and the teachers are ready to go, why? Well that because during December they worked o ensuring that these things happened and did not come to work in the first month planning the lessons, ordering books etc etc while the kids do whatever they please. Its called Discipline and if the teachers don’t have it then how the hell an you expect to instill that in children.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think that the kids in schools are our future and should be given every opportunity to excel at school. There are always the “dof” and unruly kids, but many kids are not getting a fair chance to learn, who’s fault is this ?, its easy to blame the government, but I feel the problem also lies in the past with previous governments who wanted to keep the black population under so their education was not the best that it could be, these are now the people that we are expecting to teach the nations children and future teachers as well as make decisions that will affect their futures, most themselves are unable to read or write properly, so how can we expect them to run the school systems.

Then you have principals of schools that have a crappy pass rate of 1-25” trying to justify on TV why they are not to blame and what they are going to do this year to improve the situation, on guy has been principle for 11 years and last year had 11% pass rate for matrics (perhaps this year will be 12%) and he blames everyone but himself. Why now has he decided to come up with new ideas to get the pass rate up surely if the school has a bad pass rate the principal must be brought to task and if he does not improve the situation ASAP he /she get replaced. Come on guys wake up this is our future your talking about we cannot grow a country with a nation of idiots and morons, for a country to grow we need educated masses that can contribute to the economy and not be a drain on it.

Got this from a reader “yes I actually do have people that go out of their way to read the drivel that I spout week in and week out”

“Suppose this is a surprise to you! Well I just couldn’t help writing after I have read your blog. I am referring to your “wondering what happened to the Pole dancer” part. To kill your curiosity or that of the cat. If this is who I think it is, she moved to Johannesburg, doing what I don’t know. Apparently she got engaged last Saturday with a guy from Cape Town and will be moving to Franschoek in March. (“Dear reader more surprised that someone actually reads the Blog and enjoys it than I am the Pole Dance has latched on to someone of the opposite sex, “although for a while there was rumour that it had a penis, but I would have to bow to the superior knowledge of those that had been ensnared by the black widow” . the gent must either be really old who it thinks has money or very young with money, either way feel sorry for the poor sole, going to get eaten alive)

Reading the local paper also came across the story that some Irish “Slapper” who was in some crappy TV show called Ballykissangel was shot at while in Cape Town and that when she asked the police why they said to her and I quote “ Her experience was part of Kill a Tourist day” Now don’t get me wrong I would also not like to be driving around minding my own business when a bullet hits the vehicle I am travelling in, but to make up a story that its because local Cape gangs have decided that every Wednesday is “Kill a tourist day “ is ludicrous. How the bullet hit the vehicle the local police are investigating it could have been gang related or just some guy in ABSA bank trying to attract the attention of the teller. So Victoria Smurfit thanks for nothing, go back to Ireland and eat potatoes. SAD news just in however is that they found Spongebob Square Pants dead in an alley in Hillbrow, police say while they don’t know what happened they do have detectives on the scene trying to soak up as much information as possible.

I also see the overseas press are making a meal of the attack in Cabinda, Angola on the soccer team and how SA is now unsafe to run the World Cup, did these journalists do Geography at school or have access to Google Earth? Cabinda is as far away from Cape Town as London is from Moscow, so now if there is an attack in Russia between now and 2012 we need to raise the question can England safely host the 2012 Olympics? Get over it Europe Africa is hosting the World Cup and its going to “Rock” because South Africans want it to happen. Talking about Africa Zimbabwe are now exporting walkmans to other African countries and Hear Speak and See no Evil have taken up residency There as well.

The earthquake in Haiti has claimed many lives and its good to see the world respond to this disaster, over 100 000 people dead and the death toll will still rise with disease etc over the coming weeks. One good thing to come from it however is that ex president Baptiste who is in exile in South Africa “proudly sponsored by you me and a few other selected taxpayers” wants to go back home to help re-build the county…… “Have a safe flight”

Well think I have bored you enough this week, so its time to go, Tania saw this written on the back of a really dusty car: “I wish my wife was this dirty”

Quote or saying for the week: “I used to have a handle on life, but it broke”

Have a great week and look out for Blog on PE history in the near future as well as one on the Prince Alfred Guard

The “Ex” Village idiot.

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