Waxing lyrically

This was sent to me by my lovely wife and i was crying with laughter reading it...............Enjoy  

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)  So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,” yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious… Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied my self to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter – “So, my butt and ‘who-ha’ are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!! It works!!”

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair……… THE HAIR IS STILL THERE……… ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color…..

Your crying with laughter aren't you ?  

History of the Cocktail

With Summer “hopefully” here in the Eastern Cape many of its inhabitants will be heading for the beachfront and head for a local pub or cocktail lounge, so thought I would look up the history of the cocktail and “edumecate” all 6 of my readers at the same time. 

Many people seem to have theories about how mixed drinks got the name cocktails.   The truth is probably no one actually knows so here are some of those theories and u can decide which is the one you think more plausible.

The first written evidence of the word dates back to 1806 when a newspaper called the Columbian Repository wrote a story about a politician losing 12b of “cock-a-tails”, an interested reader  then wrote back asking what these cocktails are and as to where he can acquire some for medicinal use.

Other stories as to the words origin are the following

A French Chemist in New-Orleans served strong drinks in tiny egg cups that the French call “coqueitier” and the drinks were therefore called “coquetiers” which soon changed to cocktails.

Another (and perhaps my favorite) is the one that has Betsy Flanagan a barmaid and widow of a French Revolutionary soldier used to steal roosters from a neighbour who was unsympathetic to the cause in order to feed revolutionaries who came to her establishment. She decorated her drinks with the colorful tail feathers as a gesture of defiance and her loyal customers would raise their glasses and drink a toast to “vive-le-cock-tail” 

A more logical explanation or origin of the word  probably comes from England where the local pubs would pour all the last bits of different spirits that was left in casks into one holder called a “tale” and the plug used to stopper the cask was called  “yes you guessed it” a “cock”. So patrons would enter and ask for “cock-tales”

Another that if found interesting dates back to the prohibition days (1919-1933) when people distilling their own “moonshine”. This form of spirit is raw and vile tasting and could not be enjoyed just on its own, so to mask the horrible taste they added fruit juices, soda or fruit to the raw alcohol.

The prohibition also banned the sale of  or transport of all alcohol, but it was still legal to drink any stocks of spirits you already had in your home. Those lucky or devious enough to have bottles of real booze in their homes obviously became “popular” hosts. They could invite friends over to entertain them without having to look over their shoulders for the long arm of the law, they could “speak easy”. Clandestine bars sprang up all over the USA attempting to copy this atmosphere and became known as “speak-easies”.

Ok well the edumacting part of the Blog is over, what else do i have to tell you ?   well this must be the first weekend since i can remember that the weather has been nice. Blue skies, no wind and no Frikken rain.  Sat beaches busy with locals taking advantage of the sun and the surf

The Boks survived a spirited Irish team on Saturday to narrowly win 16-12 , the Irish were a weakend team from the one the All Blacks mugged 60-0 not to long ago so that ether tells me the All Blacks are way better than us or the replacements the Irish coach included in his team are better than the one s that took a hiding against  the New Zealanders.  The Boks have not looked good under Heyneke Meyer and hopefully he has a plan

This week i was in Mosell Bay for a couple of days doing a risk assessment for Portnet, was interesting and a change to the training in a classroom. As much as i enjoy the job i have to say that i can’t wait for the year to be finished as I am mentally tired. Had the flu this week so not felt so lekker hopefully by tomorrow it will be gone as need to present SAMTRAC for the next two weeks.  
Well that’s it for this week  

Have a great one

Im’e not a racist but........................Please be patient

Words you have either heard or uttered yourself at some stage or another over the last few days, weeks, years. Usually after the words comes the tirade about the government, BEE , service delivery, state of the schools, roads, lack of sunshine etc etc. Have to admit that while over the years i have defended the government my patients is starting to wear just a little thin a how the ANC are Fking up the country and still not accepting responsibility for it. In the 80’s they promised to make ZA ungovernable who would have thought they would have got it right while actually running the country themselves...........................Get your act together assholes. And stop blaming the whites, rinderpestt, global warming and Verwoerd for all yoru shortcomings otherwise our currency will be worth shit in a few years time.     

2 weeks ago I was in a “town called Clarens” for its 100th birthday celebrations have been real lethargic in writing what i felt about the trip, which is perhaps good as i had time to mull over the time spent in what was once “my village”

Well the trip to Clarens was wet to start with as it rained all the way from PE to Aliwal North (and then continued to rain in PE until we got back) I then played “pothole”  between Rouxville and Ladybrand with me reaching level 9 between Hobhouse and Ladybrand, in fact at one stage i contemplated driving in the veld (field or dale for those non South African readers) as i am sure it would have been a smoother ride.
Basically Clarens was a blur of drink eat and sell books, with a few highlights thrown in between and in no particular order.

1.       Clarens Blonde
S.       Seeing Mark Natalie and Stephan 
3.       Friends
4.       Clarens Blonde
5.       Being interviewd on radio OFM (while drinking a blonde)
6.       Clarens Blonde
7.       Beer Bombs
8.       Selling enough books to pay for the trip
9.       Seeing Dave and Barbara Green (was awesome to see them)
1 .   Meeting Meatbombs Fiance Shelly.
1 .   Clarens Blonde
1 .   Beer bombs
1 .   Seeing Jeanelle, Di and Kelvin
1 .   More Clarens Blonde and Beer Bombs          

Must say was disappointed that we did not see so many of the locals that we had been friends with over the years or those that we did see didn’t really make the effort to chat................oh well i suppose that’s what happens when you have not been around for a couple of years, but have to say that i don’t think there is a sense of community in the village like there was before. The trip back was ok and came via Craddock as a large section of theN2 between Grahamstown and PE just did a “David Copperfield” and disappeared.

The rains really caused Havoc in this part of the world, especially along the coastal road between PE and East London, probably adding another 100kms and 2 hours to the journey. I have not been to EL for a month now and don’t forsee going to next year. Probably going to Mossel bay on Wednesday for a couple of days.3rd avenue dip , the route i take to work is also closed at the moment ue to damage from the flood waters, i am still using it as the scooter can get passed the humps and bumps, but had to take the car to work on Friday and took  1 hour to get the 6.5 kms to work.............now i know why i ride a scooter.

Still gyming, in fact just got back from torturing myself  this morning, while its hard (especially at this advanced age) i do enjoy it.

Gabby has a new horse that she is riding, its called Beau and is a Friesland, she s chuffed because she gets to ride her motorbike to go and ride. Must say she is a good rider (horse and motorbike)

I am suffering from PMS (parked motorbike syndrome) Triumph has been out of action for  over a month but hopefully soon she will be ready to take on a long ride. Really miss being able to get on the bike and go for a long fast ride. Been watching the latest season of Sons of Anarchy.......great series and if you have never watched it do yourself a favour and grab seasons 1-4 and you will get hooked. 

Weather is lekker today so looks like we will hook up with Rob and go for a beach walk at Schoonies and then have a beer or two to quench the thirst afterwards.

Well that’s it for this week, know i have been remiss in not writing for a while but I have been busy and at this time of the year really mentally tired, I have also been writing to chapters fpr a book that will be published in Portugal within the next year , one on Daniel Roxo and another i have been asked to write about a Alves Cardoso and a special forces unit called the Flecha’s (arrows) that operated in Angola and Mozambique..............very excited about that as the gent assisting with information has taken myself and my good friend in Portugal “Luiz” intro his confidence and is assisting however he can, so it will be the first time most of the info that I am writing about will be published.

Ok well have a great week, thanks for continuing to read the intermittent Blogs and don’t forget Xmas is just around the corner. And i have  found my xmas present , its a 2 book history of 32 Battalion and costs a mere , drum roll please................................R850. Dear Santa i have .........
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