Missing persons (well 1 daughter and 3 cats)

We left Clarens on 3 December 2009 with a fully loaded car , 3 cats and a daughter, between then and now we seem to have misplaced the daughter that left Clarens with us, as we seem to have inherited someone else’s daughter who just happens to reside in the house. Parenting is never easy even at the best of times, but when the “Teenager” arrives then things get decidedly more interesting. Apart from the normal body changes that occur in boys and girls at this age, the little girl who did not care about what she wore or her appearance has suddenly become a (Fashionista or Glamazon) and now have to give 15 minute, 10 minute, 5 minute (we are leaving now countdowns) before we can go out of the house. Being accepted into the “right crowd” and getting involved with as many social gatherings as possible has taken over from doing homework and heaven forbid you should as a parent make a comment about anything to do with a teenagers life…………”dad you don’t understand, is the normal response” I think it was Bill Cosby that said “I brought you into this world……..I can take you out”. But Gabby no matter how much the desire may be there to stick my foot up your Ass…………….. Remember that I Love you. Always have and always will and it make me really really happy to know that one day you will have kids giving you the same challenges (he he he )

When we lived in Clarens the three cats had a certain hierarchy that also seems to have taken a back seat since we moved to PE.

  • Snowball – the Boytjie that was gallivanting every night has now become a homebody
  • Pepper who was scared of her own shadow has decided that it’s a new house and with all being equal she will claim her part of the house and stand up for herself
  • Bitch cat who never left the garden has taken up fighting in her spare time and wandering the neighbourhood

Must be something in the water!!

I now actually know someone who has spent time in Jail, it’s my mate Kelvin, you know the guy that owns Friends in Clarens with the best chicken strips in the world? Here is the e-mail that I received informing me what was going on.

Oh, I don't know how much you know, but I'm gonna tell you the story anyhow.
Kelvin was arrested yesterday morning 01:00.They told him it was for attempted murder, but I'm sure it was only to scare him. That old bloke that always plays piano at a local restaurant, threw a glass at him and tried to punch Kelvin, so Kel (allegedly beat him up). Not the first time the old man tried shit like that. Any how, Full - size Bad Bernie (name has been changed to protect the innocent and not have another court case) convinced the old man to make a case against Kelvin. They got a court order on the 10th or 11th and just sat back and waited for the perfect time to get him. They wanted to get him on a Friday, coz that meant he had to stay in the cells the whole weekend. Gary and Randal tried to get the cops to let him out in their custody, but the POPO wouldn't budge. They said they couldn't let him out because he is a danger... Then why the F**K did they let him run free for a week and a half...He is going to court tomorrow... His bail will probably be R5000.00.........(Authors comments, But when you murder an innocent old lady, your bail is R500.00 so is it the crime or the colour of your skin that determines the bail amount? “Gotta love this country”)

An update on this is that they wanted to keep Kelvin in jail until his court date (30th March, as they say he is a menace to society…..( if that’s te case half of Clarens should be in jail) his family managed to persuade the magistrate to allow him to stay in Gauteng so he cannot run his business until then, I am sure a few of his friends will jump in and help in running it, payment will be chicken strips, all the Peroni and Brutal Fruits that can be drunk………….Kelvin you know I love ya (not in the biblical sense) and if I was in the village would have helped you with pleasure, keep the faith and know that we are thinking of you here in the (Baai)

At last a book that a “SEFRICAN” has brought out that does not espouse the joys of being an ex-prat (sorry mean ex-pat) a prat for those not in the know according to Encarta dictionary is 1) Fool: Somebody regarded as unintelligent. 2) Bottom: The buttocks

Why I'll Never Live in Oz Again: -or the UK, the US, Canada or New Zealand for That Matter

Author: Andrew Donaldson; Rick Crosier; Tim Richman; Josef Talotta; John Wardall

Dave Green has a new name I am going to call him the Grim reaper as he called me twice in two days to say that two people I knew in the village had died, both I believe from cancer Patrick Wilson and Pat Damant, both great people and will be sorely missed by their friends and families.

Cute photo of my Nephew Daniel riding his “bike” with (pisspot) helmet on , he wears it now because I had one on (Not a Barney one ……Bob the builder) when I took scooter to his house last week, he then went to bike and grabbed his helmet, look forward to teaching him to ride a real bike one day. Don’t worry Daniel I will persuade your mom. Also received this photo of Daniel and I at the cricket last week, really cool to watch him grow up and get to know him, he is such a character

Seems facebook has hit Soweto big time and have the photo to prove it. Just shows you that it’s important to give the disadvantaged access to the internet and same opportunities at their lesser tanned {Sefrican bretheren} so they can catch up with the 21st century you know what they say (You Snooze you lose)

How is the boy Julius Malema (what a Prat). How can we take the ANC seriously about corruption etc when they just allow a waste of skin like that (would not even turn him into a wetsuit) to flout the laws and say and do what he feels like ……God help us if that Bliksem becomes President. It’s amazing that those who had nothing only a few years back now have it all, and did not even have to work for it. I believe he is an Elvis fan with his favourite song being “LOVE ME TENDER” (get it??)

Has been hot in the hinterland (for those POMS reading this the hinterland is the insinuation land, directly translated) seems that farmers have found a way of keeping cool and braaing at the same time

Spent another week at VWSA in Uitenhage and was great, Keith the gent that gracefully allowed me to shadow for 10 days is just great and has been very helpful in showing me if i want to take this up as a career (and i do)

Here in PE we have been on water restrictions for a couple of months now and could be adjusted from 500l a day to 380 (per family). When the dams do eventually fill and the restrictions are lifted the lessons learnt to save water will stay with us.

There must be more Chinese restaurants in PE than Wongs in a Chinese phone book, seems every suburb has at least one.

This week had supper the beach, was a nice evening, made some Lekker sarmies grabbed a beer and watched the sunset over the sea………pretty awesome. Gabby decided to see if the plastic thingy we bought at Afriski to slide down the snow would work on the dunes……..it does.

Still no job as yet………Nothing more to say about that as it just gets me the moer in.

Heard about this on the radio and looked it up on the internet……just boggles the mind.

Cape Town - An 18-seater school bus was impounded and the driver arrested after it was spotted traveling through Mitchell's Plain packed with 102 children, Cape Town traffic services said on Friday.

Spokesperson Merle Lourens said the bus had a false license plate, its back brakes were not working, its safety windows had been replaced with Perspex and wooden benches were fitted inside for extra seats.” Officers found scholars aged between five and 13 years sitting on the floor and on each other's laps," she said. The 49-year-old driver was arrested and faces several charges, including driving without a license and a professional driving permit. The Western Cape government last year launched an intensive campaign to crack down on unsafe buses. (Previous record was 49)

(Scoot ring) my way to Keith’s for my lift to Uitenhage I noticed the headlines ……..thinking nothing of it as it was probably some non-swimmer who was fondling the girls in his class I was surprised to find out when I got home that the sex scandal school was in fact the very same one that Gabby attends. Seems the popular guidance councillor according to the girl picked he up from the movies last year and they had consensual sex (she was 16 at the time) ………having read the info I don’t believe it happened…….but if it did he has not raped the girl, it was consensual, but it’s a big error in judgement. I believe two things could have occurred to make this situation happen

1) The girl in question had advised the teacher she wanted to become a lap dancer or call girl and he as a dedicated Guidance teacher decided to show her what that meant.

2) He is dyslexic and confused the memo that said to take the class on a field trip……..he thought is said feel.

Sport this week has been plenty full not that I get to watch much as don’t have DSTV and have not found a pub that comes close to Friends where I can act like a hooligan without fear of being arrested or having the snot kicked out of me and as some of you know I am not exactly the quietest of supporters, so must say of all the things I miss about Clarens that has to be perhaps the one that I miss most……….Yes and you that live there as well.

Sports round up for the week :

  • The Proteas got there ass handed to them by the “Hindian fellas” on Wednesday and even our own “Hindian fella” could not score runs. Tendulkar scored nearly as much by himself (200 runs) India ended with 401 for 3 after 50 and I think we scored 229 all out.
  • The Sharks lost again (3 for 3)
  • The warriors pulling of a win in the first of two semi finals
  • EP Invitational played to a 27 all draw with an Argentinean team that had a number of internationals playing for them
  • The Stormers losing it in the death 19 – 17 to the Brumbies that the Bulls the week before had klapped
  • Lions lost
  • Cheetahs Lost 31-24
  • Bulls Won 48 to 38 but got a scare as the Waratahs hit them hard (Player 23 was probably very apprehensive)
  • Proteas on Saturday beat the Hindians by 90 runs. The Hindians were kind enough to leave Sachin Tendulkar out of the team to give SA a chance.

Quotes for the week

Money can't buy happiness, but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle
Forgive your enemies, but remember their names
Help a man when he is in

trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again
Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them (I CAN THINK OF A FEW PEOPLE THAT THIS APPLIES TO)
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk

Well that’s it for this week

Have a great week coming and be good


(The illage Vidiot)

Only 3 months before start of the World cup.


Having recently moved to Port Elizabeth from Clarens in the Eastern Free State one of the ways that I have tried to get to know Port Elizabeth is by learning its history and this journey of discovery from a newcomer is what I will hopefully be imparting via the Blog. In a Blog a few weeks back I attended a service at the gravesite of a james Dalton but I was not aware that there were two Victoria Cross winners are buried in the City. Those being James Dalton at Russell road RC cemetery at the bottom of Russell road and James Craig at St Mary’s cemetery.

James Langley Dalton: Born December 1832 London. Died 8 January 1887 Port Elizabeth: (22-23 January 1879) – before the attack by the Undi Regiment at Rorkes Drift he argued that the party should fortify te post and not retreat to Helpmekaar. When this was agreed he set about superintending the erection of barricades. When the attack began he was at the corner of the hospital he later rushed forward and shot a Zulu as he was about to assegai one of the soldiers, saving his life.

James Craig: Born 10 September 1824 Perth Scotland. Died 18 March 1861 Port Elizabeth: (6 September 1855) – At Sebastopol during the Crimea war he volunteered to go out under heavy fire to look for Captain Buckley, supposed at the time to be only wounded. With the help of a drummer he brought in the dead body of that officer. He was badly wounded in the course of this action

Port Elizabeth has so much to offer those who are interested in the past and I have recently discovered Richmond Hill, “its awesome” and from the renovations and renewal going on in the area I am not the only one who thinks so. I cannot wait to explore and learn its history.

Last week told you about the Donkey carts, managed to get a photo of 1 to show you. As well as a couple of vehicles that had seen action on the roads.

Last Friday some lucky sod won 91 000 000 on Powerball (it wasn’t me because if it was a) I would hire wilbur Smit to do the Blog and it would be re-named The Diaries of a Stinking rich Village Idiot that has just purchased his own village) can you imagine winning that amount of money………..how it would change your life and if you where generous the lives of untold others. I just hope that the person who has won it is someone hat either deserves it or needs it /…………newsflash winners are a poor deaf family that have now had to be moved to another location due to the fact their identities were released in the newspapers (not clever) they had every Tom Dick and Hobo knocking on the door………….Another newsflash seems they are not the winners and its someone else. “Only in Africa” perhaps they can share the R like they did in IDOLS 2009?

A few months back half of the world population was going to die from SARS with countries spending Billions on injections, masks etc………..what happened to SARS? did it take a break over Xmas, was the disease a figment of the Pharmaceutical companies imaginations so they could sell millions of dollars worth of injections and masks so as to ensure over the recession they still made R..............but wait apparently Swine flu is coming to watch the SWC in June apparently it also likes ‘the beautiful game” seems there is concern that if the tourists don’t get mugged and stabbed at the SWC then they may be ambushed by SARS. We know business owners in SA will be ambushed by S.A.R.S after the world cup who will want here share of the obscene profits they have made from locals and tourists alike. (Perhaps I need to make T shirts and sell to locals that say “I’m a local so don’t rip me off , I will probably sell them to tourist as well at double the price.) Also seems that FIFA now want to charge any establishment that will be selling alcohol and showing World Cup games at the same time a small licence fee of R50 000 (yes that’s right Fifty thousand Sef African Raant) Good luck Mr. Blatter at getting Mr Sixpence Shabalala who owns the AK47 Shebeen to pay………………now that would be worth watching.

Bought a scooter this week, as need extra transport so we had a look at what was out there and at what price……..came home with this beauty I’ve dubbed it the Hardly Davidson and Tania the “Marilyn Monroe”.

I had to share this with you

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold S of Victoria, Australia, is such a person.

"I've often been asked", says Harold, 'What do you older folks do, now that you're retired'?

"Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background," he replies, "and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, scotch, champagne and Baileys Irish Cream into urine."

“House in Clarens for sale! Includes FREE friends and neighbours, FREE view of Mt Horeb, FREE sunsets and FREE snowy winters! Any takers”? just call Me the Village idiot 071 599 4013 . Just thought I would throw that in) House sale in Clarens went south again so now looking for a buyer so we can purchase the house in PE…………………..Tell your friends

While there was crime in Clarens (we even had a couple of murders over the years) and residents did have accidents the last week has brought home that while we do live in a city that thinks it’s a village “it’s a dangerous place” Last Sunday I saw a guy getting stabbed in the neck in New Brighton while on a advert shoot. In the paper this week a young student was stabbed to death in her dorm on the university campus in PE. Now I don’t know about you but if I go to a braai on the beach you expect to find shells , bits of wood etc that have washed up on shore, for one family from Mphumalanga (Eastern Transvaal) however they found a naked body of a lady who had been raped and beaten……..now that’s not something you don’t see everyday.

Talking about crime i see that some unsensative person defaced a sign to make it look like a suicide bomber was in fact in the area. i just think its so Wrong................!

Driving past a church the other day Gabby asked me why churches have steeples and not having the answer (yes even the winner of the Weakest Link can have his off days) I decided to look it up. There is not one specific answer here are a couple of ideas.

Steeples, the pointed roofs of churches, have been included in church buildings since the conversion of Constantine and his proclamation making Christianity the official religion of his state. The origins of steeples, however, have been traced back to several different traditions

Scholar Ruth Andersson notes that when Christianity was gaining strength in its early years, priests and practitioners often adopted local traditions and religious symbols and beliefs as a way to convert non-Christians. "Pagan symbols abound within the church," says Andersson. "The steeple probably has its origins in the phallic obelisks or pillars of pagan practice. Particularly in the British Isles," she continues, "phallic imagery---as well as imagery of women represented by large vaginas---is commonplace, both in pagan sites and in churches. Lots of people never notice!"

In the Middle Ages, steeples were built as high as possible not only to point to heaven but also to protect worshipers from the evil spirits many Christians believed plagued church buildings. Steep roofs, sharp steeples and gargoyles---as hideous and as scary looking as possible---were added to churches in great numbers by parishioners hoping to drive away evil creatures.

During the Middle Ages, steeples stopped being merely decorative reminders of pagan pasts and became functional as the housing for church bells. By the 15th century, most churches had steeples with bells, which were rung on the hour and to announce religious ceremonies and holidays. The steeple traveled with settlers to America. There, too, the steeple housed bells and was one of the few decorations on church buildings not removed for the sake of plainness in early American religious life.

Misunderstandings About Steeple Origins
Many Christians understand the origins of the symbolism of the church and how it developed out of other, older religions, but a large number does recognize the historical fact behind such symbolism. Such practitioners claim the steeple was invented in the Middle Ages to repel Viking attacks in the British Isles; Abbe Suger, who transformed Saint-Denis in Paris, was told to build steeples by a holy messenger; or steeples exist for the purpose of raising a cross higher than any other building in a city or town. None of these stories are accurate, according to historian Sarah Crewe.

This week spent 3days at VW Uitenhage with a gent called Keith who is sort of my health and safety mentor at the moment…………… (this is all part of a cunning plan to get a job in this field.) Have not walked so much in ages and is really fascinating to be at such a large company, to se the assembly line in action is “WOW” I am learning so much and I am there for another 5 days next week..

Watched the new version of the movie Fame this week and have to say the original was by far better, this was actually boring and would not spur me on to want to become a performing artist.

This here photo taken by Mark the Meatbomb Horton was taken a while back in the village of Clarens and is a classic “Kodak moment”

Friday was a pretty good day, had a good day in Uitenhage and that night was the Pro 20 with the warriors taking on Cape Cobras as usual when Ryan goes to watch them play they lose, in fact that’s why they seem to play most of their home games in East London , so Ryan cant get there. It’s a bit like the Sharks asking Jeanelle not to watch their games at Friends because they seem to lose and that has Jeanelle in tears and really upsets her evening, talking about Jeanelle had a great SKYPE session on Thursday afternoon and caught up on lots of Village news (Dankie Skat) for those Poms reading this “thanks treasure”. On Friday the Sharks LOST against the Cheetahs.

So you may have read that the Village Idiot has been donning his “sea pent” to boogie board, snorkel and body surf………….Great fun and I am jealouse you say well look at the photo of this fish that was taken a day after I had been in the same ocean (albeit a few miles away) Not sure what the scientific name is but I call it a D.I.Y shark, commonly known as a Hammerhead.

This sage advice was given to me by a caring person who knows that I am looking for work and knows that I am getting a little frustrated: “When things don’t go right…………….Go Left” ………………………………”WTF”

Be good and have a great week


The Village Idiot (who used to live in Clarens but now lives in PE, “nee ek staan maar net hiersor”)

PS: I know you are missing me as i have seen a couple of cars in PE that have stickers with "Your village called and they want there idiot back" thanks guys that is just so touching.

Be my valentine

Seeing that today is Valentines Day I thought would “steal this info from the internet and pretend that I had written it”

Celebrated by lovers everywhere, St. Valentine's Day is a well known tradition, but what is the origin and meaning of the day? You have more than likely grown up observing this custom, but have you ever wondered where it came from and what it is really about? Every year on February the 14th, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, "valentine" heart-shaped boxes of candy, flowers, teddy bears and other gifts to celebrate this day.

The customs of Valentine's Day have been handed down from the Roman festival of the Lupercalia, celebrated in the month of February, when the names of young women were put into a box and drawn out by men as chance directed. This festival also honoured the goddess of sexual immorality, Venus, the mother of Cupid. Cupid, whose name means ‘desire’, was believed to bring about love and also to make it cease.

So now that I have “edumecated” my philistine friends lets get back on to serious things like what’s been happening to the Ex Village Idiot this week

Men and women have different takes on how to celebrate valentines day, guys buy sexy red underwear for their loved ones and then expect their special or significant other to don said frilly lingerie and as in the words of the Blacked eyed peas “ Boom Boom Boom” while she on the other hand wants rose petals on the bed, scented candles a romantic dinner and music to match………someone is going to lose out as Robin Williams once said “Women need a reason to make love , men just need a place”

Tiger woods must be in a quandary as to who to send Valentines card to this yea? I saw a headline in a local paper that I though was about Tiger woods it said “Tiger beaten off with rock” happens it was about a real tiger attacking a villager in India and the villager having to save himself by hitting the tiger with a rock and not as I thought Tiger woods was trying to get a hole in one and his advances being spurned or his wife had caught him trying to bonk the maid in the laundry again.

Well still no job, so that sucks and now starting to get a little depressed about it. Ryan has however managed to arrange two weeks with a friend of his that is a health and safety consultant and will be doing work at VW in Uitenhage. Sorry I forgot I do have a job……..its being dads taxi.

This is a piece of useless info for the guys, on 9th February 1893 the first recorded strip show by some French “stukkie” took place at the Moulin Rouge In Paris and started a whole new career choice for single moms and a way to earn extra R for college and university fees.

As you know the drivers here are perhaps not the best in the world, well what I forgot to tell you is that we have a number of donkey carts on the main roads as well as you can imagine throw them into the mix and it makes for some interesting driving conditions. Seems that the Bay traffic department are adopting a ZERO tolerance speeding and breaking of traffic rules policy, they have started to install new equipment to ensure that residents do in fact adhere to the rules of the road. I have a feeling that this could just work…..decide for yourself.

Got this from Jeanelle and as I replied to her “I thought that Capt Morgan was in fact a pirate and not a Pirates fan…………Only in Africa”

Was really HOT here on Tuesday 36 degrees and we met Ryan at Sardinia bay (great beach with no large stones on it) and we decided to Snorkel…………much easier than boogie boarding that I can tell you, of course you need the right equipment otherwise it could be a little uncomfortable. Goggles are a must I am not sure if you have seen movies like Deep Blue where peoples goggles come off in the sea and they are swimming open eyed in the Azure blue waters “KAK” “Its pool water” ……….how do I know ?? Well I tried it and it stings like hell”. A snorkel is also a must otherwise you drown. Flippers are optional extra. As are “sea pent” but with jellyfish around they are a good idea. Snorkelling is great and we saw a number of different fish, Ryan saw a sand shark. You have to be careful of not sucking in air when the snorkel is in fact under the water you tend to surface fast and with a mouth that tastes foul. I have just bought new “sea pent and they have only 1 pocket (So I don’t collect cubes of sand) and are so bright that if I get swept out to sea I am easily visible from helicopters, Awac spy planes and satellite.

As promised a few Blog’s back here is what you should not be wearing at the beach “wif long silver sea pent” having to be high up on that list as well as, you look at the photo and you will get my drift. As my sister commented “Baywatch babes”……….NOT

Seems that just like the bread suppliers, cereal suppliers, cell phone providers, Sasol as well as a number of other companies, all the airlines are joining that favourite corporate game “lets scr-w the South African Public and make obscene profits for the selected few ‘mostly BEE shareholders” seems that airline ticket prices have in some cases increased 3 fold for the world cup. Nice one Mango, I time, SAA, Kalula etc etc…….you really know how to put it to the average SA citizen. Which now gets me to who is this world cup for?

Don’t get me wrong feel that the SWC will be good for SA but lets not fool ourselves its not for us average South Africans and even less for those that live in shacks on the Cape Flats as well as numerous other squatter camps that dot our landscape. None of the R coming in is going to benefit them either……”but that’s another story”. Why do I say it’s not for the Average South African? Well first the buying of tickets as far as I am concerned could not have been more difficult I don’t know to many shack dwellers that have access to the internet or have a savings account at FNB plus the process for applying for tickets was so difficult that it reminded me of that readers digest competition that they used to run. You received a key to a car and the competition was that you had to fill in much paperwork it would have made you blind.

On Thursday 20 years ago Nelson Mandela was released so on Thursday all the TV and radio stations were reminiscing about that day, what I found interesting Is that 99 % of the people who called in, sms’s or e-mailed were all happy and had wanted this to happen , even ex security policemen.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,strange because when I watched his release on TV and the days after I thought “hier kom Groot kak” I was not a Nelson Mandela fan at the time and thought he should have been hung in 1964 “bloody terrorist” How wrong I was, he was and still is a icon and I am happy that he survived to show South Africans that this is in fact a great country and that with the right attitude anything is possible. My regret is that Nelson was not 2o years younger when released as there is still work to be done in this country regards his vision and ideals.

Have started a new project, its collecting 5c pieces that I find on the ground, at end of the year will advise how much I have picked up, started last week and so far 55c richer

Dams are now on average 41.5 % full, the photo is of the dam at George, have to say to all of you that have had rain and are sick of it, don’t take it for granted and also learn to conserve water, its not an infinite recourse. The Village idiot believes that the next Big war will be fought over water. “Remember you heard it first on the V I Blog”

Friday night Ryan, my father in law and I played extras for a crowd scene as part of the DVD being made for PE Tourism, had lots of Fun with Ryan and I being the loudest. While at the shoot “that’s what us actors call the place action is taking place”. Mark sent me an MMS of plates full of Chicken strips and the message “watching rugby.you”? I called him back later and Friends was heaving with the usual suspects, must say was a tad envious………….No I was really “homesick” and felt k-k that I was not there. And I have to say I miss my mate Meatbomb, found the perfect Valentines T shirt for him.

Had a couple of SMS’s and calls this week this weekend from people I know in Clarens saying that watching rugby without me is just not the same. Thanks guys made me feel a whole lot better. I spoke to Neil van der Walt (some may know his as Neil Von den Supperette) he became a dad a month ago to a little girl who they have called Sage. "Well done bro love to the family".

There are only 117 days left to the World Cup and still have not heard if tickets we booked for sooooooooooo long ago will be issued.

Quote for the week: "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"
Have a great week


The Ex Village idiot

Unexpected love

Unexpected love
A short story
Stephen Dunkley

“So did you find anything on your recent week long reconnaissance into the Maluti’s? asked Captain E Bennet, “Nothing at all sir” replied Lieutenant Cairns “dismissed” , “thank you sir”.

As he exited the tent Lt Cairns of the 2nd Brabants horse let out an audible sigh, he had just lied to a superior officer. There was no time to waste he hurriedly packed what he needed and changed into civilian clothing and without as much as a glance backwards took his horse and slipped through the picket lines, when he felt he was far enough away he mounted the stallion and headed east towards the Maluti Mountains

Elmarie awaited in those mountains and she was the reason that Lt Cairns was risking his life, desertion was not taken lightly by the British high command and if caught would be summarily executed. While on his recent reconnaissance looking for pockets of Boer families eluding the British by hiding in the mountains he stumbled upon a cave tucked away in a concealed valley. His first reaction was to turn around and report his find, but something made him hesitate, he dismounted and crept nearer the cave and it was then that he saw her, standing over a 3 legged pot cooking for the 24 women and 34 children hiding there.

While he watched Elmarie he heard a “click” and realised that it was the sound of a ? being pulled back………”get up sir or I will shoot you” are the words that he heard, slowly he stood and with hands on the back of his head was pushed into the cave. The rifle pressing into his back was only removed once two of the other ladies had disarmed Lt Cairns and he had is hands tied together.

Neither Elmarie or Lt Cairns know why they started to talk, but they did, Elmarie told him about the loss of her husband at Modderfontein as well as how their farm had been all but destroyed by the British army. And in this cave in the middle of a war they fell in love, but how to stay together? It was then that Lt Cairns came up with the idea of deserting and coming back to the cave to live out the rest of the war with Elmarie, perhaps getting married and start a new life together. Convincing the other 13 ladies that he would not betray them and was in fact in love with Elmarie took 3 days and when he saddled up the horse to head back to Harrismith, Elmarie took his hand and gave him a brief kiss.

It was the thought of seeing his love again that spurred him on towards the mountains and a life with Elmarie……….. He did not see the 3 men crouched behind the boulders and the first time he realised he was not alone in the veld was when he heard the retort of a rifle and the pain of a bullet hitting him square in the chest. As he fell from the horse and his life ebbed away he looked up into the Free State sky and called out her name. Elmarie never knew what happened to Lt Cairns and no one ever visits his grave In a lonely overgrown cemetery not far from the farm that once belonged to Elmarie and her husband.

Only in Africa

At Game they are selling gazebo’s for cars, it’s a temporary carport that you can set up in your driveway or area that you want to put car undercover, in theory a good idea but I have to wonder who the genius was that thought of marketing these in PE ‘THE WINDY CITY”. It won’t last 5 minutes on a modest windy day never mind a class 10 South Easter that can, and has in the bygone days moved entire fleets on to the local beaches (at last count some 325 wrecks in the bay). At R1999.00 it will be the most expensive kite that many people will have owned in their lives and don’t think you can attach it to the car either because that could possibly disappear as well.

New water savings have been brought in by the municipality with a household being allowed 500 litre per day at R6.60 per Kilolitre after that each KL is R19.51, they estimate that water is available for 10 months and then dry……….but as Tania said the region has had droughts before and never in its history has it completely run out of water …………Tania is correct in saying that but my thoughts are “there is always a first time” Dams are now at 42.5 % and we are having Veld fires around Port Elizabeth (and its Summer)

With Jacob Zuma apparently becoming a dad again (his 20th child) its no wonder he wanted to be the president of SA, so we and selected other taxpayers can foot the bill for his extended family, a local DJ said “Jacob you are the father of the nation, don’t confuse that with trying to father a whole nation” a Friend of mine and his wife are expecting child 10, OK 2 of them where adopted……….Yes he does have a bloody good job and can afford them all. President Zuma you have 5 wives and now you are having a child with a lady who is not one of them…….what kind of example are you setting for the youth of SA……….surely you cannot expect to be taken seriously on the aids issue when you are obviously having unprotected sex with a lady who is not your wife…………..You are the President of South Africa, not some Horn Dog who cant keep his pecker in his boxers. “Only in Africa”

Gabby on camp this week, the grade eights spent Monday and Tuesday at a camp to get to know each other better and the teachers. She had fun but came back so tired she could hardly keep her eyes open.

As you have read the drivers here in the Windy city can be erratic to say the least this is a picture of a traffic light that is “no more” near to where we live, as you can see it was hit with such force that the light was knocked “unconshus” and can no longer be used. Don’t know who the driver was but I am sure at the very least he/she had a large headache. What also amazes me is that it’s on a straight road. There are not even skid marks. Heard on the news that they arrested a taxi driver who was driving under the influence “so what’s news about that” I hear you say……..Well he was transporting school kids at the time 49 to be exact……yes 49 kids in one taxi can you believe it. not sure what province he was from, but I would have to guess Gauteng. “Only in Africa”.

Job hunting still not great (in fact it sucks), have joined up with an Estate agency “Leapfrog” part time looking for sellers and buyers for their agents. Not exactly what I want to do but that’s how the cookie crumbles. Cannot believe how unprofessional recruiting agents are this part of the world and promised possibilities have also fallen through…….so its like everything in life you have to go out and do it yourself otherwise if you wait for people you will wait forever. I absolutely hate not having a job, I know some of you will say hell you didn’t work in Clarens, well contrary to popular belief I did in fact work and had a purpose to wake up in the mornings……even though life was a tad slower in the village. I hate not working, you start to think what the F—k is wrong with me that people don’t want to employ me. “Not a nice feeling”.

I was wondering this week what is happening to Marquad, ‘Tourism village of the year” have not seen or heard anything about them on TV or in the press, perhaps I have not been looking properly……….if anyone does have info please forward it to me it would be interesting to see how they plan to become the next Clarens in the Free State.

I received this from another concerned citizen who worries about the plight of unemployed suicide bombers and those poor Muslim women who want to put their kids through school by pole dancing in downtown Baghdad. I believe three have been blinded by the jobless suicide bombers who with nothing better to do go to the club “Bin dancing” and thrust Dinari notes into the gap near their eyes………. ‘Silence I Blind you” I saw this warning sign in the Bay (that’s what the locals call PE) and perhaps we should market them to the States and UK to warn their residents.

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply: National Defence Headquarters MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially, Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defence

I now know a person who could actually apply for membership into the Darwin awards …….. No names (and its not meat bomb, although he could get a honourable mention in despatches)as this will protect the innocent (that’s me ) from getting hurt. Here is the story and tell me this is not Darwin material……………………………… “You cannot make this stuff up”.

“Hi to everyone, from a hospital bed in ICU, in the not so sunny JHB (very wet actually). Apologies for not informing you earlier, I just needed some time to adjust to the situation I put myself in.

You are allowed to laugh (just once, then I expect pity and prayers).On wed morn My mom accidentally locked me into her flat. I discovered this at 9.45 as I was about to leave for an app. I had at 10.30.Called mom to tell her she'd locked me in. She had clients booked back to back till 2.30pm, so could only come then. I tried to mcgyver & jimmy the locks with anything I could find. Hair clips, nails etc.. No go.

I went upstairs, looked over the balcony onto the grass and contemplated.... Remembering how I used to jump off much higher things when I was 10. Decided to go back downstairs and try the locks again. I had planted the seed. Frustrated and bored I decided in my utmost wisdom, to do it.

1st tried to see if my helmet would fit thru the window, nope. Put my bag and jacket close to the security gate so I could pull them thru once I was down and outside.

Walked upstairs, to the balcony, put my helmet on, swung my legs over and jumped off backwards. What a sight that must have been. All I can say I was lucky I wearing a helmet, cos when I landed my head came crashing down on my knees, I could have knocked myself out, lost teeth and broken my nose. Instead I broke both my legs.

F**k me. I rolled onto my back and saw my feet and half my shin dangling.
Screamed loudly HELP ME!! Several times. Fortunately the guy who lives in the main house was there and came out, called an ambulance. They took forever while I held my legs up from under my knees with my hands.

3 baboons (FRESH from the trees) arrived and basically moved things they should have and put me in more pain, when they realised the severity of the situation, they called for "back up" a.k.a White paramedics who knew what they were doing!!! I had been screaming for someone to give me morphine or something to take the pain away, before they moved me. I came to, in the hospital, had x-rays etc. I had a 4hr op on Thursday morning at 8am. Left leg has a plate a pin and 25 screws! The right leg has a pin and about 6 screws. I have an epidural drip in my spine, synap forte, and stillnox to help manage the pain. I'm going under again tomorrow at 12.30 for wound inspection, and clean bandages. It's been painful and frustrating, but strangely I'm in great spirits! I have the support and encouragement of so many wonderful people, it makes it real easy to be brave. This does mean of course I'll have to postpone our ride further.

Be safe and don't do stoopid stuff”! …………………………………(Ok if you say so)

The village idiot went Boogie boarding this week, weather was great, Waves according to those in the know “Awesome Bru”. So Ryan calls me and we decide to take the boards to Pollock beach (that was once sandy but now has more rocks on it than Visagies in Vrede)………..picture this if you can. Here is the Village idiot with shorts t shirt (can’t afford a wet suit of a chafing shirt) Boogie Board tucked under the left arm, having made sure I have attached the leash to my wrist (surfers attach to their ankles). I believe the reason we do attach the equipment to ones body is that if you fall off or get smashed onto the rocks by a wave the board of surfboard does not disappear. I have another theory, its so that when you are hit by a wave that only has slightly less power than the tsunami that in 2004 swamped Indonesia and Thailand they can find your leg or arm attached to the equipment and then get you to the hospital to have it reattached. So there we are striding towards the surf as if we are competing in the finals of the Gunston 500, in the distance a set of waves look very tempting with a number of surfers and boogie boarders awaiting the next set….. ”you see surfer talk already Bru”

As my feet hit the water I stubbed my toe against a large rock, just managing to keep my balance and not fall over sideways “not cool in front of neoprene clad surfer dudes”. From there it took about 5 minutes to gingerly make our way over the hidden obstacles in the hopes of catching a wave, perhaps even a pipe ‘yeah right”. Getting out to the waves is harder than it looks getting hit by a succession of white water, trying to work out ways to get over the water has pros and cons but invariably you are like a chameleon with 2 steps forward and 6 back. Eventually you get to somewhere near were the waves are cresting and bang you are head over heels with sand being secreted into a number of orifices, and just as you think you are going to pass out from lack of oxygen you pop up like a cork and suck in fresh air……..what you have to remember when doing that is your mouth is facing the beach because if it isn’t you are going to get a gob full of seawater and for those who have experienced this will know what I am talking about, feels like you have poured a half kg bag of cerebos salt straight into your mouth and added a cup full of water.

The good news though is that you still have the boogie board attached to your arm and its dragging you towards the beach with the jagged rocks awaiting your arrival, now you start the process all over again and to cut a very Lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng story short we did not catch one wave, stubbed our toes numerous times, swallowed the equivalent of 10 litres of the Indian Ocean (well we are trying to assist with the effects of global warning). As if you are not embarrassed enough that you have been unable to get to the waves never mind catch one as you exit the sea your “sea pant” legs is now hanging somewhere near your ankles, not near your knees when you started…………..the reason being is that while you have been pummelled, tossed and turned by the waves you have collected enough beach sand in your pockets to fill up the bunker at number 5 green Augusta. “Note to self, Self do not wear a sea pant wif any pockets next time you go to the beach”

So now your out, have dumped the 3 cubic meters of sand, shells and a squid or two back onto the beach its time go back to the car, this now produces a host of new problems. Your feet, legs and “sea pant” are full of sand and there is no ways that you are going to sit in the car like that. No Problem there is usually a shower thingy that you can rinse all the sand and salt water off yourself. So you put the shower on and rinse what you think is all the sand off, as you step onto the area that you can put on your crocs or plakkies you stand on sand and by the time you get to the car you have as much sand on your feet and legs as you had before you went onto the shower.

Got a call from a Werner as well as Natalie this week, good friends, was great to hear from them, have been feeling a little ‘Village sick” so was good to hear a familiar voice and have a chat. Talking about the village I believe that there is a bandwidth bandit in their midst …..”who could it be I wonder”, this idiot knows so if you want to know SMS me on 071 599 4013(only R97.50 per week, WAP charges don’t apply, you have to subscribe for at least 6 months and you cant use free minutes)

You don’t see things like this in Clarens, this house burnt down last week on one of the main roads that we drive o when taking gabby to school.

Have managed to find the slowest unfriendliest Post Office in PE, maybe even South Africa, “Drum roll please”………………….. its Walmer Post Office. Do yourself a favour those that read this and live in Clarens, go to Post Office and say thanks to Clement and Zinzi for being such great people.

Today (Sunday) Gabby and I were extras for a promotional DVD for the Eastern Cape tourism department, I was up to ride an elephant but the client decided that I did not have a “dark enough tan”, was fun, much like doing the Pasta Advert in Clarens last year and it was the normal “Hurry up and wait” we saw parts of PE that us white folk don’t usually go to, so it was nice. We had to pretend we where tourists and went to the Red Location Museum (were I joined a protest march),a buy and braai/shebeen establishment and then onto a local soccer match to be spectators. met some great people and got to see my first gang related stabbing in New Brighton when some coloured dude got stabbed in the neck while shooting the soccer scene. Close to death a couple of people assisted him who he “vloeked” the whole time, just when we thought he was going to die he asked for a cigarette got up to go and drink some more ‘it’s a miracle” ….. Only in Africa. Also made my first money in PE R200, not much I know but it’s a start.

Just in case any of you were wondering if the residents of Port Elizabeth had welcomed me with open arms …………. I think this photo may just answer your question.


Quote for the week: “Power Corrupts, absolute power must be kinda nice”! …………….Just ask Jacob “only in Africa”

Well gotta go


The Ex village idiot still looking for a job

Dear Mr President jacob Zuma

After having read the front page story of the Sunday Times (31/01/2010), I feel compelled to write to you as this ordinary citizen that I am. Because I am a commoner, my judgement of your actions could be regarded as disrespect. Equally you might be indulging in all these sordid acts because you feel that you cannot be questioned and brought to book.

As a young man I have an interest in the way in which those in power are behaving, so as to ensure that we have good, moral and ethical leaders to look upon. A public figure who does not inspire confidence or do not conduct themselves in a manner that seek to inspire development of society, should be eliminated from the limelight and sent into the deepest of corners so that their misleading acts are shunned. To me you happen to be such an individual.

In your address during your inauguration and also in your first State of the Nation address, you emphasised greatly on moral regeneration. The reason why religion has seemingly failed to produce members that embody the values taught in religious institutions is because the preachers themselves are failing to be upright leaders who live out what they preach. You are such a preacher to me.

Given your past record that displays you as a man who is easily tempted by indulging in sexual intercourse, it is very difficult for me to throw water over the claims made by the Sunday Times. To me it is irrelevant that the person you impregnated is the daughter of Dr Irvin "The Iron Duke" Khoza, I would still feel the same way even if it was just yet another woman. If this baby was born under normal circumstances, it means that you must have slept with this lady around January 2009.

During the same time you had already paid Lobola for Thobeka Madiba-Zuma and you were planning your wedding day with her. At the same time you were already having the pleasure of being attended to by two wives. I suppose given that you were busy campaigning for the 2009 General Elections, the challenges that you faced couldn’t be accommodated by your wives, you needed to find solace and release your masculine energy on another woman outside wedlock.

What nauseates me the most is the fact that this lady got pregnant, meaning you had unprotected sex yet again. To me it is clear that you have unprotected sex with your wives, because you do it so easily with "omakhwapheni". It means you are a risk to your wives, because you seem to be fishing for HIV, so that you can take the catch home and distribute it evenly amongst them. Unless there is preventive medication for HIV that you have and we the ordinary people do not have access to.

The Zulu Kingdom should be ashamed at how you have paraded their culture of polygamy, a culture that is in fact to me very demeaning of women. To me it symbolises true qualities of chauvinism and patriarchy, whereby if a man is not satisfied with one woman, then they can go get another. Meanwhile society would vilify a woman who would take a second man. Polygamy also promotes cheating on your wife, because you must first know the second wife, well in your case sixth, intimately on stolen moments away from your wife. So during that time you are lying to your wife or wives claiming to be seeing no one besides them and even to God, whom you made such a pact with when getting married.

Polygamy reduces women to objects that are used to just satisfy the egos of many men out there, who see having many women as a sense of superiority and achievement. To me this is a very small minded sense of thinking.

I cannot have you preach morality to me when you partake in such disgusting acts that make me feel if only I was not a South African. When a sex scandal broke off about Mr Bill Clinton, he had to step down as President of the USA. The President of the World Bank stepped down after such allegations were tabled against him. However to you it is just yet another day another dollar and nothing will happen, because you are hiding behind tradition and using it to camouflage your helpless sexuality.

You are a man who does not respect women clearly, a man who does not believe in treating your wives with the best respect they deserve. I doubt maKhumalo is happily married to you, but she is probably fearful of what shall become of her if she were to leave you. It is unfortunate that the majority of the people in your organisation find your acts acceptable; it goes to show how the morals of the ANC have become fragmented over the years.

You occupy the highest seat in our land and many people will find a way of using your acts to justify their mistakes and atrocious behaviours which resemble yours. You are not a beacon of hope to me, but rather that one of disaster.

It is impossible that you could raise all your 20 children, so it means that you promote unstructured families whereby kids grow up with single parents. You promote and justify cheating. You promote for society to discredit the three pillars of fighting HIV, because you do not Abstain, you do not get to Be Faithful, you do not Condomize.

What are you good for? Absolutely nothing. You are shaming our country and making it seem as if we are unable to be led by principled leaders.

You are a health risk to your wives, you are a financial risk to the taxpayers who must pay for your opulence and you still pledge your support to communists.

I ask of you to step down as President, before you turn South Africa into a quagmire that resembles your sexual life and its animalistic behaviours.

Written by: Lukhona Mnguni
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