Barney's House

Have always thought that there are one or two ugly houses in Clarens but I have now got a clear winner, I call it Barney’s house and you can see why. The house is the newest addition to this ever growing village, apparently the owner is an architect “yes my thoughts exactly” If that is what he builds for himself then I feel sorry for his other clients. Looks like a police barracks for Purple dinosaurs and Telly Tubbies.

Those who read my Blog about Mark trying to defy gravity, he is getting better , but this week he had to have fluid drained from his back, so he is carrying around what looks like a foot pump one would use to blow up a lilo, as per usual we had some fun at his expense. In fact we decided that we will manufacture and sell Mark Horton blow up dolls for those lonely Clarens ladies (believe there will be a big market for the Horton blow up) anyway her is a picture of the 1st prototype with me using the manual pump (in case of a power failure) the marketing campaign will be “The Horton blow up doll, it never keeps his zip closed”

Meat bomb Horton and I had a braai with Les and Ronel Thake on Thursday and it was really Lekker, we had a great chat and Les told me a couple stories about a friend and neighbours from when they lived in Ficksburg that I just have to tell you

1) A friend they had was a crop duster who perhaps used to inhale to much of the poisons he sprayed one day he decided to cut a Avgas drum in half to make a braai, Avgas drums are usually thicker than normal drums and nearly always have leftover fuel or fumes in them, so one has to be careful when cutting. Les says all he hears is this almighty Boom from across the road, a mushroom cloud and then a piece of the drum gently floats down from high onto the front lawn, wondering what he hell was happening he then hears from across the road his neighbour yelling to his garden boy Impi…………………. “Impi, kom kyk of die baas nog heel is” Les then goes across the road to find the gent sitting with his eyes closed patiently waiting for Impi to give him the all clear.

2) Another neighbour would cut the lawn every Saturday and at 9am he would jump in the car and drive to the 4 different bars in the town and proceed to drink 2 x triples at each place (all within half an hour) he would then drive back home to finish the lawn , as you can imagine after close to a bottle of booze his motor skills where not as they should be so he would come round te corner hug the right hand kerb with his wheels and turn into the first gap , as he had the first house on that side of the road he would then park in front of the garage , pretty ingenious I thought and almost always worked until the one night he had gone partying he came home and turned to early, mounted the curb and parked in front of the bedroom window. Les and Ronel sent the next half hour watching him trying to find the garage door handle which obviously was not there, he then must have thought the garage door was open and started jumping up and down to try and reach the door handle to close the door. I think that Les and Ronel have a great book stored between them.

A local is having a 60th birthday and his wife is arranging a picnic on the square it’s a bring an picnic affair, while this is not strange the fact that she is inviting people to the party on a definite and reserve list perhaps is, so if your on the reserve list you can only go if someone pulls out “Strange but true”

On Thursday I was at ABSA BANK IN Bethlehem, some of you may know I hate waiting in queues, well I waited 2 hours at the bank (one and a half in the queue and half an hour at the teller and as you can imagine in a Terrific mood when I got to the poor teller) Why the wait you ask “lots of banking”? “No……. trainee tellers”. Yep my thoughts exactly who puts not one but 5 trainee tellers on duty over the Festive season? And only 9 of the 14 teller points open (so in fact only 4 proper tellers on duty)…. ......ABSA bank does. If I recall the whole fiasco I think I will gain have a fit, so all I will say is that the lady who eventually came to apologise to me for the inconvenience will not be sending me a Christmas card.

Clarens does not seem to have hit the Xmas mode yet; in fact there is a distinct lack of Xmas Atmosphere in the village. Perhaps this week will pick up…….. Tania Gabby and Ryan went to te opening of season fireworks display at the beachfront on Wednesday and Tania says it was awesome with a fireworks display the like she has never seen in SA before.

Friday was Steve’s last Happy hour shift at the Highlander so a number of people went to say Bye and have a drink with this institution. Steve has resigned from the Highlander and Tommy the chairman of HKGK (if u doesn’t know what HKGK is asking a Dutchman friend) is going to be taking over from him. Steve goes overt to Austria for a skiing trip (yeah they pay the barmen well in Clarens J and then he comes back and his fiancé Jeanelle and himself move to New Zealand, so the village will lose another two characters and I for one would just like to wish them both the best in their new adventures. Had a celebrity at the happy hour as well some dude called Oubaas on Buitelanders or Sewende Laan, and he asked Jeanelle sister “Badger” if he and his wife could have a photo with her (Nah just lying Badger asked them) we then decided that Clarens needs a soapie and decided to name it “ Dis hoe die kak draai” , I think it will be a winner as no scripts are needed, we just put up cameras in strategic places in the village, It will be a HUGE HIT, sort of like a Big Brother but using the whole village.

After happy hour we partied with Werner for the opening of his new bar and the Zula sunset deck, great party, great Potjie (Werner is the Potjie king of 2008) with to many locals attending to name, The Zip line was open and a number of us decided to do it (Sorry Tania, but I had to do it) must say if you get to go all the way across then its not such a bad experience.

After Werner’s party went to watch Grumpy old men playing at my favourite restaurant and got asked by a good looking lady if I had Cocaine………. Sorry Honey but I don’t, she then proceeded to ask just about the whole bar, her boyfriend (who she met in rehab, ‘I would ask for my money back”) even offered he out to anyone who could supply him with weed or drugs …………”what a guy”……. now this is the kind of stuff I am talking about for “ Dis hoe die kak draai” eventually she decided that she was going to give the men a seductive, sexy , smutty dance, but the more triple s she tried to be the more she just looked dof. Eventually they left and went to the backpackers where the boyfriend was apparently beaten like a “red headed stepchild” for causing kak and also nearly running some people over, I was told by a person that was there that he was crawling on all fours and crying like a girl after he had been dunked in the Koi pond. Form what I can gather they spent some time in the local cells.

But it gets better, I was helping Les for a couple of hours in the shop and Dave green calls me to say a gust that was staying with him had been found on the square passed out and that Dominee Sakkie and Martie had brought her to him (as they are his guests) and where waiting for the ambulance. Now what I am about to tell you now cannot be made up by a script writer and again a reason we should have Clarens as a reality TV programme.

Apparently the girl and boyfriend on Saturday morning then started to drink again and tried again to obtain drugs, he even asked 4 old ladies at a restaurant for weed as well as going to a local estate agent to see if he could help (while with clients). Eventually they parked outside the bottle store and she was lying in the front eat with a boob exposed and he modesty not that modest anymore. The police where called and they tried to sort out the problem, before she was moved to her accommodations. Apparently she also ran down the road after escaping from the ambulance with tubes etc in her arms, again causing a scene. “Yes its true”

Saturday evening was Clarens Jamboree at the backpackers and as last year was very enjoyable, only one Large problem this year, Tania and Gabby were not here, did not go to bed to late as had to be up early to climb Mt Horeb with a few friends. This was awesome and something I should have done years ago, but just never got the opportunity to do so for whatever reason or excuse. Rob, his sons Terry and Lawrence as well as a new local Chris and his friend, so 6 of us left at 6.15 am and the first part was to be honest “brutal” it did get better and by the time we got to the happy face we where feeling a little better (hats of to Rob who is a big smoker) a hard walk to get to the summit was next and by the time I got to the top I was knackered. We had a braai and took in the view, it’s really awesome on top. The walk back down was 45 minutes faster only taking 2 hours , but just as hard having to use the knees a lot more. We got back to the cars at 12.30pm. I thought I would give you a couple of do’s and don’ts for a Horeb climb

1) Climb with a few friends, this is not only safer but makes it more enjoyable and try to ensure one of them knows the way
2) Wear comfortable shoes, not R15 00 specials like I was
3) Take plenty water
4) Wear a hat
5) Check the weather (we had great weather , but it change in a instance)
6) Take photos (it’s a hard climb and not something you will do often)

1) Upset the wildlife (saw a snake , spiders and the grasses also try to make your day unpleasant)
2) Pee against the wind
3) Forget the matches
4) Think you are nearly there when you get to the smiley face, there is still a long walk ahead

Nicky Doug and Amber arrived safe from Utopia on Wednesday and I believe drive down to PE today (Sunday) so I will see them when I get home, seen Nicole and Doug before, I want to see my Niece Amber. Apparently she is not feeling well, probably due to the fact that they have come from a cold climate to sun and warmth , “Yes Amber that large yellow thing in the sky is called the Sun and we will take photos of it for you so when we go back to the island we can look at it from time to time”J Amber is going to get a culture shock with all the kids that will be wanting her attention, but sure she will get on really well with Daniel (who is as cute as a button and a real boy, (Daniel is 13 months old and Amber 8 so they should have some fun together)

Question of the week: Where do most of the English cricket players stay when in South Africa? ………. “With their parents” J

Quote for the week: “Nothing worth achieving is easy”

Well that’s it for this week, be good and just say NO

Ciao “The Village “dis hoe die kak draai” Idiot

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