Only in Africa

At Game they are selling gazebo’s for cars, it’s a temporary carport that you can set up in your driveway or area that you want to put car undercover, in theory a good idea but I have to wonder who the genius was that thought of marketing these in PE ‘THE WINDY CITY”. It won’t last 5 minutes on a modest windy day never mind a class 10 South Easter that can, and has in the bygone days moved entire fleets on to the local beaches (at last count some 325 wrecks in the bay). At R1999.00 it will be the most expensive kite that many people will have owned in their lives and don’t think you can attach it to the car either because that could possibly disappear as well.

New water savings have been brought in by the municipality with a household being allowed 500 litre per day at R6.60 per Kilolitre after that each KL is R19.51, they estimate that water is available for 10 months and then dry……….but as Tania said the region has had droughts before and never in its history has it completely run out of water …………Tania is correct in saying that but my thoughts are “there is always a first time” Dams are now at 42.5 % and we are having Veld fires around Port Elizabeth (and its Summer)

With Jacob Zuma apparently becoming a dad again (his 20th child) its no wonder he wanted to be the president of SA, so we and selected other taxpayers can foot the bill for his extended family, a local DJ said “Jacob you are the father of the nation, don’t confuse that with trying to father a whole nation” a Friend of mine and his wife are expecting child 10, OK 2 of them where adopted……….Yes he does have a bloody good job and can afford them all. President Zuma you have 5 wives and now you are having a child with a lady who is not one of them…….what kind of example are you setting for the youth of SA……….surely you cannot expect to be taken seriously on the aids issue when you are obviously having unprotected sex with a lady who is not your wife…………..You are the President of South Africa, not some Horn Dog who cant keep his pecker in his boxers. “Only in Africa”

Gabby on camp this week, the grade eights spent Monday and Tuesday at a camp to get to know each other better and the teachers. She had fun but came back so tired she could hardly keep her eyes open.

As you have read the drivers here in the Windy city can be erratic to say the least this is a picture of a traffic light that is “no more” near to where we live, as you can see it was hit with such force that the light was knocked “unconshus” and can no longer be used. Don’t know who the driver was but I am sure at the very least he/she had a large headache. What also amazes me is that it’s on a straight road. There are not even skid marks. Heard on the news that they arrested a taxi driver who was driving under the influence “so what’s news about that” I hear you say……..Well he was transporting school kids at the time 49 to be exact……yes 49 kids in one taxi can you believe it. not sure what province he was from, but I would have to guess Gauteng. “Only in Africa”.

Job hunting still not great (in fact it sucks), have joined up with an Estate agency “Leapfrog” part time looking for sellers and buyers for their agents. Not exactly what I want to do but that’s how the cookie crumbles. Cannot believe how unprofessional recruiting agents are this part of the world and promised possibilities have also fallen through…….so its like everything in life you have to go out and do it yourself otherwise if you wait for people you will wait forever. I absolutely hate not having a job, I know some of you will say hell you didn’t work in Clarens, well contrary to popular belief I did in fact work and had a purpose to wake up in the mornings……even though life was a tad slower in the village. I hate not working, you start to think what the F—k is wrong with me that people don’t want to employ me. “Not a nice feeling”.

I was wondering this week what is happening to Marquad, ‘Tourism village of the year” have not seen or heard anything about them on TV or in the press, perhaps I have not been looking properly……….if anyone does have info please forward it to me it would be interesting to see how they plan to become the next Clarens in the Free State.

I received this from another concerned citizen who worries about the plight of unemployed suicide bombers and those poor Muslim women who want to put their kids through school by pole dancing in downtown Baghdad. I believe three have been blinded by the jobless suicide bombers who with nothing better to do go to the club “Bin dancing” and thrust Dinari notes into the gap near their eyes………. ‘Silence I Blind you” I saw this warning sign in the Bay (that’s what the locals call PE) and perhaps we should market them to the States and UK to warn their residents.

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply: National Defence Headquarters MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially, Gordon O'Connor Minister of National Defence

I now know a person who could actually apply for membership into the Darwin awards …….. No names (and its not meat bomb, although he could get a honourable mention in despatches)as this will protect the innocent (that’s me ) from getting hurt. Here is the story and tell me this is not Darwin material……………………………… “You cannot make this stuff up”.

“Hi to everyone, from a hospital bed in ICU, in the not so sunny JHB (very wet actually). Apologies for not informing you earlier, I just needed some time to adjust to the situation I put myself in.

You are allowed to laugh (just once, then I expect pity and prayers).On wed morn My mom accidentally locked me into her flat. I discovered this at 9.45 as I was about to leave for an app. I had at 10.30.Called mom to tell her she'd locked me in. She had clients booked back to back till 2.30pm, so could only come then. I tried to mcgyver & jimmy the locks with anything I could find. Hair clips, nails etc.. No go.

I went upstairs, looked over the balcony onto the grass and contemplated.... Remembering how I used to jump off much higher things when I was 10. Decided to go back downstairs and try the locks again. I had planted the seed. Frustrated and bored I decided in my utmost wisdom, to do it.

1st tried to see if my helmet would fit thru the window, nope. Put my bag and jacket close to the security gate so I could pull them thru once I was down and outside.

Walked upstairs, to the balcony, put my helmet on, swung my legs over and jumped off backwards. What a sight that must have been. All I can say I was lucky I wearing a helmet, cos when I landed my head came crashing down on my knees, I could have knocked myself out, lost teeth and broken my nose. Instead I broke both my legs.

F**k me. I rolled onto my back and saw my feet and half my shin dangling.
Screamed loudly HELP ME!! Several times. Fortunately the guy who lives in the main house was there and came out, called an ambulance. They took forever while I held my legs up from under my knees with my hands.

3 baboons (FRESH from the trees) arrived and basically moved things they should have and put me in more pain, when they realised the severity of the situation, they called for "back up" a.k.a White paramedics who knew what they were doing!!! I had been screaming for someone to give me morphine or something to take the pain away, before they moved me. I came to, in the hospital, had x-rays etc. I had a 4hr op on Thursday morning at 8am. Left leg has a plate a pin and 25 screws! The right leg has a pin and about 6 screws. I have an epidural drip in my spine, synap forte, and stillnox to help manage the pain. I'm going under again tomorrow at 12.30 for wound inspection, and clean bandages. It's been painful and frustrating, but strangely I'm in great spirits! I have the support and encouragement of so many wonderful people, it makes it real easy to be brave. This does mean of course I'll have to postpone our ride further.

Be safe and don't do stoopid stuff”! …………………………………(Ok if you say so)

The village idiot went Boogie boarding this week, weather was great, Waves according to those in the know “Awesome Bru”. So Ryan calls me and we decide to take the boards to Pollock beach (that was once sandy but now has more rocks on it than Visagies in Vrede)………..picture this if you can. Here is the Village idiot with shorts t shirt (can’t afford a wet suit of a chafing shirt) Boogie Board tucked under the left arm, having made sure I have attached the leash to my wrist (surfers attach to their ankles). I believe the reason we do attach the equipment to ones body is that if you fall off or get smashed onto the rocks by a wave the board of surfboard does not disappear. I have another theory, its so that when you are hit by a wave that only has slightly less power than the tsunami that in 2004 swamped Indonesia and Thailand they can find your leg or arm attached to the equipment and then get you to the hospital to have it reattached. So there we are striding towards the surf as if we are competing in the finals of the Gunston 500, in the distance a set of waves look very tempting with a number of surfers and boogie boarders awaiting the next set….. ”you see surfer talk already Bru”

As my feet hit the water I stubbed my toe against a large rock, just managing to keep my balance and not fall over sideways “not cool in front of neoprene clad surfer dudes”. From there it took about 5 minutes to gingerly make our way over the hidden obstacles in the hopes of catching a wave, perhaps even a pipe ‘yeah right”. Getting out to the waves is harder than it looks getting hit by a succession of white water, trying to work out ways to get over the water has pros and cons but invariably you are like a chameleon with 2 steps forward and 6 back. Eventually you get to somewhere near were the waves are cresting and bang you are head over heels with sand being secreted into a number of orifices, and just as you think you are going to pass out from lack of oxygen you pop up like a cork and suck in fresh air……..what you have to remember when doing that is your mouth is facing the beach because if it isn’t you are going to get a gob full of seawater and for those who have experienced this will know what I am talking about, feels like you have poured a half kg bag of cerebos salt straight into your mouth and added a cup full of water.

The good news though is that you still have the boogie board attached to your arm and its dragging you towards the beach with the jagged rocks awaiting your arrival, now you start the process all over again and to cut a very Lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng story short we did not catch one wave, stubbed our toes numerous times, swallowed the equivalent of 10 litres of the Indian Ocean (well we are trying to assist with the effects of global warning). As if you are not embarrassed enough that you have been unable to get to the waves never mind catch one as you exit the sea your “sea pant” legs is now hanging somewhere near your ankles, not near your knees when you started…………..the reason being is that while you have been pummelled, tossed and turned by the waves you have collected enough beach sand in your pockets to fill up the bunker at number 5 green Augusta. “Note to self, Self do not wear a sea pant wif any pockets next time you go to the beach”

So now your out, have dumped the 3 cubic meters of sand, shells and a squid or two back onto the beach its time go back to the car, this now produces a host of new problems. Your feet, legs and “sea pant” are full of sand and there is no ways that you are going to sit in the car like that. No Problem there is usually a shower thingy that you can rinse all the sand and salt water off yourself. So you put the shower on and rinse what you think is all the sand off, as you step onto the area that you can put on your crocs or plakkies you stand on sand and by the time you get to the car you have as much sand on your feet and legs as you had before you went onto the shower.

Got a call from a Werner as well as Natalie this week, good friends, was great to hear from them, have been feeling a little ‘Village sick” so was good to hear a familiar voice and have a chat. Talking about the village I believe that there is a bandwidth bandit in their midst …..”who could it be I wonder”, this idiot knows so if you want to know SMS me on 071 599 4013(only R97.50 per week, WAP charges don’t apply, you have to subscribe for at least 6 months and you cant use free minutes)

You don’t see things like this in Clarens, this house burnt down last week on one of the main roads that we drive o when taking gabby to school.

Have managed to find the slowest unfriendliest Post Office in PE, maybe even South Africa, “Drum roll please”………………….. its Walmer Post Office. Do yourself a favour those that read this and live in Clarens, go to Post Office and say thanks to Clement and Zinzi for being such great people.

Today (Sunday) Gabby and I were extras for a promotional DVD for the Eastern Cape tourism department, I was up to ride an elephant but the client decided that I did not have a “dark enough tan”, was fun, much like doing the Pasta Advert in Clarens last year and it was the normal “Hurry up and wait” we saw parts of PE that us white folk don’t usually go to, so it was nice. We had to pretend we where tourists and went to the Red Location Museum (were I joined a protest march),a buy and braai/shebeen establishment and then onto a local soccer match to be spectators. met some great people and got to see my first gang related stabbing in New Brighton when some coloured dude got stabbed in the neck while shooting the soccer scene. Close to death a couple of people assisted him who he “vloeked” the whole time, just when we thought he was going to die he asked for a cigarette got up to go and drink some more ‘it’s a miracle” ….. Only in Africa. Also made my first money in PE R200, not much I know but it’s a start.

Just in case any of you were wondering if the residents of Port Elizabeth had welcomed me with open arms …………. I think this photo may just answer your question.


Quote for the week: “Power Corrupts, absolute power must be kinda nice”! …………….Just ask Jacob “only in Africa”

Well gotta go


The Ex village idiot still looking for a job

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