"Those two" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the arrival of winter the local pubs and restaurants vie to tempt locals and visitors alike in to their establishments with the unmistakable aroma of Mulled wine or Gluhwein as many people know it. However I am getting ahead of myself so here is the news in the village for the week.

Good news is that the Bottle store is open again and nice to see Lawrence and Sherry actually making a business out of it. Lots of changes happening with building work on the go, but think the place is going to look great and will definitely be an asset to the village. Well-done guys.

Seems like some local vindictive swine has had the temerity, audacity or impudence to actually book the square for the 13th –15th November, Wow how dare he do that I mean surely this privilege is only for the one and only “I am the king of Clarens” and I will decide who I hand out the favours to regards that weekend, if one of his sources close to him are reading this tell him I say he does know who it is what it has been booked for and just because I will be leaving Clarens at year end does not mean that I should not be involved or assist in the event, “who died and left him in charge anyway” ? Really he should have the Cajon’s to ask me personally and to be honest if he does not like it “does he like sex and travel? “You figure it out”

Here breaking news just in from a source close to the band that a new CD of cover versions (is that cover your ears?) will be coming out soon from local band “Gollum and the Fender Benders”, here is a taste of what we can look forward to. What is great about this CD is that if you play it backwards you get Potjiekos recipes.

Billy Idol – Nice day for a Back stabbing
Chris de Burgh – Patricia the Stripper
Paul Simon – 50 ways to leave your lover
The Clash – London calling
Marvin Gaye - I heard it thru the Grape vine
Queen – Fat bottomed girls
Meatloaf – BUTT out of hell
ABBA – Money Money Money
Police – Message in a Bottle (store)
Foreigner - Juke Box Zero
Eric Clapton – I saw the sheriff (of the court) “cause I didn’t pay my bills you see”
Journey – Separate ways
Monty Python – Always look on the bright side of life
Super tramp – Breakfast in America
Black Sabbath - Paraniod
The Divines - I touch myself
Bob Marley – Redemption song
Maurice chevalier – Thank heavens for little girls
Rolling stones – I can’t get no satisfaction
Guns and Roses – WELKOM to the Jungle
UB 40 – Theirs a rat in mi kitchen
Carly Simon – your so vain
Tom Jones – Sex Bomb
Status Quo – You’re in the army now
Billy Idol – Moaney Maoney
Eric Clapton - Knocking on Heavens door
Allanis Morrisett – Ironic
Boomtown Rats – Video killed the radio star
Pink Floyd – Comfortably Dumb
Joan Armitrade - Me, Myself, I
Bob Dylan – The times they are a changing
Bare naked ladies – if I had a million
Mike and the Mechanics – Word of Mouth
Pink – U and your hand

Here’s a few more they should record, “Never ending story”, “Big in Japan”, “I talk to the trees” “ no body like me everybody hates me im’e going to the garden to eat worms” and “Cry me a river”.

Have decided to write a fairy tale and will publish over the next few Blogs, here is the first instalment of

Time upon a once

Time upon a once in a distant parish so far behind the Boerewors curtain that only the demented wanted to live there was a village called Gollumnia. The village was situated high on the slopes of the Moosti mountains and in this village came to live a foul and calculating Scrow sometimes known as Fuglyuck or TLM “but not to her face” otherwise she would throw a tantrum going out of her way to discredit you with the other towns folk and take things back that she may have either given you or arranged from someone else. TLM as we will call her had an appetite for the village dwarfs and some say even dwarfette’s, there were even rumours of TLM having posed for not to kosher wildlife magazines, but no one had been able to find a copy of “Slutty Swamp Rats” or “Home Grown Tannies”, so this could not be proven. It was however well known amongst the creatures of the village that after her very own dwarf “Cuckold” was thrown out the nest she was on the lookout for a new conquest “and no “dear readers” I don’t mean a car”

At about the same time as “Cuckold dwarf” being thrown off the nest another dwarf called Fender, was telling anyone who would listen in the parish to keep away from this evil bitch as she and her newest friend Contaminant Dwarf were bad news and hatching a plot to take his business away so that they could have it all for themselves. At first his friends thought that Fender was being a tad paranoid, but little did they know how prophetic Fenders words would turn out to be. …………………… To be continued

Mark made a suggestion during the week that on Friday we should visit the local pubs and see who is making Gluhwein, test it and put it on the Blog who actually has the best Gluhwein. “Mark comes up with some great ideas” So Mark and I “sometimes known as Those Two by some Retard in the village” managed to find 5 venues that had Gluhwein in stock, before I advise the results I thought I would enlighten you on the history of this pleasant beverage. Mulled wine has many varieties and is popular around the world, for those who have not tasted it or do not know what it is, its wine “usually red” that is combined with spices and served warm.

In olden times (around 1420, “two years before my mother in law was born”) Wine often went bad, by adding spices and honey it could be made drinkable again. These days it’s traditional to drink during winter months. The drink has a variety of names

· Norway – Glogg
· Romania – Vin Fiert
· Italy – Vin Brule
· France – Vin Chard
· Poland – Grzane Wino
· Serbia – Kuvano Vino
· Estoria – Hoogvein
· Chile – Navegado
· Clarens – Lokkenfekker

We tasted at the following pubs (Grouse and Claret had sold out by Saturday Afternoon and according to those have tasted it is very good, so what we will have to do is have a shoot out between this winner and the Grouses Gluhwein, “we will keep you informed”)

· Clarens Brewery
· Highlander
· Vito’s
· Mosaic Pizza
· Friends

Mark and I need to say that Clarens has a high standard of Gluhwein, we marked the drink on following criteria

· Aroma (30%)
· Taste (40%)
· Presentation (10%)
· Size of test portion J (10%)
· Price per glass (10%)

After much deliberation and discussing pros and cons we eventually decided that the winner by a very very small margin was “The envelope please” “The Highlander”

So the Boks won the first test, but I am not convinced that we will win the next two, the Lions to me did not have a great team on the field with a couple of players missing that will definitely be in the starting line up next week, The Beast was Awesome, the rest of the Boks looked rusty to me and while I am no coaching expert I do not understand the reasoning behind taking off your best players to allow the other team back in to the game. The Lions had more scoring opportunities and if not for some good tackles and bad luck the Lions could have won comfortably, as it is they outscored us 3 tries to 2. Their back line looks dangerous and the interplay between the front row and the back line is very good, The forwards also know how to hold on to a ball, “this probably because of UK conditions that they are used to”. Lets hope next week we come out a more complete team and take the series.

Bafana lost 2 - 0 to Spain but put on a good show and have done enough to get through to the Semi-Finals of the Confederation cup. I believe that we need a better strike force; we just don’t seem to have the Oomph up front. So “go Bafana” do your best and make us proud.

Book is coming on and getting closer to completion (the writing part that is) need to confirm or get some more info on certain chapters. I have enjoyed writing it. And look forward to getting photos to go with the stories. I reckon that it will be between 100 – 120 pages.

What’s so Lekker about living here is that you go to the village to collect a ink cartridge that has been dropped of for at one of the shops and as you get to the square there is a hot air balloon being set up, ended up with 4, but only two managed to get up, the none nearly took out the Red Mountain House chimneys. Was nice to see how they set up the basket and the balloon.

Every now and again I take a drive through Kgubestwana/Kannana and take photos, here are a couple that I liked from the latest trip. Must be a hassle having band members hassle you that you have to Bugler proof your shack and in the second one I am not sure if the dog got so old it died or they cant afford a pet so they created their own.

If you want a good laugh, go to you tube and type in Jaco Schalkwyk, its hilarious, but not for the kids. Also check Darth Vader - Lego probably even funnier.

This week’s “We told you so” award goes to The Proteas for Choking once again at the crucial stage of a vital must win situation. I cannot believe that we could not score the required runs, we still had wickets in hand and there just seemed no urgency. "Go Sri Lanka".

Latest edition of the local paper that is not the Mountain post is out and what a refreshing turnabout, great to see no half naked Frump with a straw in her mouth “well we hope it was a straw” on the front page for all the tourists to see and with editorial that would have made the editor of Hustler blush and there is not even a reference to “slapping sluts” or how women should lie ion their backs to get a flat screen TV. So new Editor, “well done”. Must say that since a new electronic newsletter with only positive news and the Mountain post came out the contents of both the other electronic newsletter and paper have changed dramatically, which is good for Clarens as the tourist to the village do not need to see Crap.

Is it just me or over the last few months has your grocery bill gone through the roof, it just seems to have gone crazy and we as consumers just seem to accept it, I do not know how the less fortunate can afford to eat, I believe we are being ripped off by the food companies as well as the petroleum companies and banks and we just sit back and say “oh ok collude on prices and squeeze every cent you can out of us” I am getting sick about it and will no longer keep quiet, neither should you.

Saturday night after the rugby we had a trivial night at marks and Kathleen’s, it was Kathleen, Tania and Liza against Mark and I and we got an ass whipping with a capital A, I personally believe it was because my two brain cells had to much Sarsaparilla juice at the rugby, however I am confident that Mark and I can bounce back from this humiliation and take revenge next week at 30 seconds. What we did however find out that Igor Rotyourcrotchoff is not the name of the Kazakhstani Olympic shot putt champion.

Father’s day today (21/6/09) and hope you have told your old man how much you love him and that he is a great dad. Just like Nicole had her first Mothers day this year, Douglas is having his first Fathers day today and I am sure he has been spoilt by his daughter Amber, who by the way is a cute little lady, Bro enjoy it, “the first of many”. Like the moms of the family I believe that the dads are also not that bad. So Dad thanks for all that you have done for me for the life’s lessons that have stood me in good stead to get on in a sometimes harsh world, but most of all for the love that you have always shown me , “I love you very much”

Wow been a long Blog, sure most of you were asleep by the second page, sorry just seem to have had a lot to say

Have a great week

The Village Idiot

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