The Diaries of a Village Idiot: 2012

"Who let the dogs out"......................?

Not content with rubbing our faces in the fact we (the minority taxpayer/s) have just built him and his extended family a R250 000 000 home, “sorry village” our beloved Mr. Comrade President has decided to leave 2012 on a high note. During a speech in KwaZulu-Natal on Wednesday the president said spending money on buying a dog and taking it for walks belonged to white culture and was not the African way, which was to focus on the family, the Mercury reported. He said there was a new generation of young Africans who were trying to adopt other lifestyles and even trying to look like others. “Even if you apply any kind of lotion and straighten your hair you will never be white,” Zuma said. Instead, a person lost dignity and ubuntu, and was also likely to lose respect and love for his fellow human beings. He added that black people should stop adopting the habits of other cultures. Seems that JZ does not like dogs and says that only whites buy dogs and look after them...............mmmmmmm now at least we know “who let the dogs out” he also said that black people should stop trying to be like whites, so I wonder how many “black Diamonds” are going to give up their fancy cars, watches etc etc ......... “not frikken many”

Xmas eve we had Dinner at Ryans and Xmas day lunch was at our place, woke up latish, that’s the joy of having a teenager you don’t have to wake up at sparrow fart. Got some lekker presents with the double Volume ‘The Terrible Ones’ a complete history of 32 Battalion. Also got a couple of other books as well. Bought Tania a Tab for Xmas...............wasn’t over the moon to be honest but the real one will be coming any day soon (Samsung Galaxy 2).

Boxing day saw Ryan, Keith and I go to St Georges to watch the 20/20 game between SA and the New Zealanders. Was a great afternoon, as usual we sat at the duck[pond end of the stadium with the band and what an atmosphere. Was a bit concerned after the win by the Black caps at East London that SA would lose the game but not to worry they bounced back and won the game by 38 runs.

Got some Biltong fro xmas from family in the UK and when we opened it on 25^th it was vrot (not “lekker” for those non Afrikaans speaking readers) (not “nice” for those no “Sefrican” speaking readers). It was purchased on the 24^th so it’s not like it had been lying around for a month. Ryan tossed his, dad had put his in Tupperware and so that perhaps saved his. I took mine back to the shop bought from “hey nothing ventured , nothing gained the gent at first wanted to tell me that because it had been kept outside in a brown paper packet for 24 hours or more it had gone off. My response was “what is biltiong”? and why was it made?................... “Because the Voortrekkers didn’t have F..king fridges asshole” He replaced the Biltong.

So in less than 48 hours 2012 will be a mere memory (some good, some bad and some just lets Frikken forget) Any revolutions for 2013?................. Well perhaps one for rhino poachers and those Chinese fellows that can’t get “hardons” should be “don’t Frikken shoot another Rhino” we have lost over 600 again this year. I don’t believe in resolutions but I have goals for this year and 2014, will keep you posted.

Got the book Route 66 by Billy Connelly , read it from cover to cover in less than 2 days great book and just wet the appetite for me wanting to do the trip even more than before I actually read it. That’s the next trip, first the UK in June and then the USA to do route 66.................oh that’s after I get my Harley. House, Holiday overseas, Harley – that was the deal.

Here is a candidate for Darwin award for 2012: Tunis - A young Tunisian died after winning a bet to eat 28 raw eggs in one sitting, Shems FM radio reported on Wednesday. Dhaou Fatnassi, aged 20, from the central town of Kairouan, swallowed the eggs after his friends challenged him to do so for an undisclosed sum of money. The young man then experienced stomach pains and was taken to hospital but was pronounced dead on arrival.

People are spending like there’s no tomorrow

Took Gabby to book her learners licence on Wednesday, was expecting to be a 3 hour wait but having boxed clever as had taken Gabby the day before to the optometrist to get her eyes tested so that meant when we got to the licence department at “sparrow fart” and instead of having to stand in the eye test Q we just sauntered to the payment Q and 20 minutes later we was “outa there”. As the A team would say “I love it when a plan comes together”

Went Xmas shopping on Thursday and I have 3 words “WTF” was I thinking, we laugh or smirk at those people we know or read about that buy Xmas presents during the year for family and friends – “why” “they ARE THE SMART ONES ladies and gents”. The “experience” starts in the parking lot where it seems the saying “Good will and peace to all men” does not apply. People are swearing at each other throwing zap signs and on the verge of fisticuffs. Then after you have found a parking space you battle the horde into the mall/s then it’s just a mass of humanity flowing and ebbing towards and out of shops all looking for that “special” Xmas present. I usually start with a positive frame of mind with an idea of what I want to buy but as the day progresses and you have not found what you are looking for you start to hate the crowds, Xmas decorations and the Frikken Xmas music and know how the Gringe felt.....................Thankfully Xmas comes but once a year. “Oh and you get to meet some strange people at the Mall over Xmas, this poor sod is getting married next week and this is what his best man and mates made him do”

So the Mayans were wrong as many of us sane people realized I wonder how many of those Apocalypse “bunker hiding, cat food eating” people are feeling a little stupid now? So I have survived another end of the world scenario............................... Lucky me.

So Cyril Ramaposa is now the deputy president having taken over from Motlanthe, although he is apparently still holding onto the position until the elections in 2014 (unless he resigns of course, My prediction is that he resigns before his term is up – “and I ain’t a Mayan”) so what’s my thoughts on this development from the Mangaung Conference.................Well to be honest what’s really going to change? I was hoping that we would get rid of JZ as president as don’t think he is the man for the job, Hopefully Cyril who is an astute man and also a very wealthy one. Having Ramaposa as DP is not the end of the world.

Friday Tania and I met with a couple of friends (Rob , Rudy and Jacki ) at the local micro brewery for a couple of ‘lemonades” the place is called Bridge street Brewery and is pretty nice, it’s on the Baakens river, is a converted warehouse and has a huge outside area with live music, it was packed. Make the most amazing potato wedges ever..................Frikken awesome. Was lekker to just chill, have a few cold ones and talk kak.

Saw this headline in a expat newspaper, seems that foreigners are taking over the UK. Seems that “white actually born in the UK Poms” are becoming the minority and is a concern to the British Government, well if they did not allow every "Tominchavich, Abdul and Stoffel" into the country then perhaps that would not be happening.

The Proteas under captaincy of youngster Faf du Plessis gave the Black caps a hiding in the first 20/20 international with a 8 wicket defeat, the New Zealanders managed 86 all out in 18 over’s with SA romping to a victory with nearly 8 over’s to spare. Let’s hope the victory does not go to their heads and they carry on with the winning streak. SA have a habit of doing well in first game and then going to sleep.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Before I go here are a few of the worst predictions of all time.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - A memo at Western Union, 1878
"That virus is a pussycat." -– Dr. Peter Duesberg, molecular-biology professor at U.C. Berkeley, on HIV, 1988
"The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous." - Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916
"It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister." - Margaret Thatcher, future Prime Minister, October 26th, 1969
"Radio has no future." - Lord Kelvin, Scottish mathematician and physicist, former president of the Royal Society, 1897
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” [Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H. M. Warner, co-founder of Warner Brothers, 1920
"There will never be a bigger plane built." - A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.
"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote." - Grover Cleveland, U.S. President, 1905.

On a more serious note total of 765 people have been killed on SA roads so far this month so if you’re driving over the next few days be careful and remember “everyone on the road is an idiot except you”

Ciao everyone and have a really Lekker Christmas day.

S.P.A.D

Survivor’s guide to partying with Afrikaners

Lili Radloff has survived parties in Afrikaner strongholds like Pretoria, Bloemfontein, Klerksdorp, Rustenburg and Stilbaai. Now she dishes the dirt.

Article: Lili Radloff

Partying with Afrikaners is not for sissies. While non-Afrikaners will be welcomed enthusiastically (Afrikaners are plesierig after all) I feel honour-bound to warn you not to drop your guard.

These guys are rowwe boere and they will expect you to party like one of them, even while they constantly remind you that you’re NOT one of them.

Rule 1: Bring food

The host and hostess will tell you not to. Don’t believe them. There will be enough food to feed the Blou Bulle, but if you arrive with something that’s not known to induce heart attacks (for instance, a pot plant) you will be secretly judged as snoep. Meat is always a safe bet. More is more when it comes to Afrikaners and dead animals.

The reason for this is twofold: first, nothing will go to waste. The host family will happily eat leftover tjoppies for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire week after the party. Second, despite the fact that Afrikaners rigged the game for decades to ensure they have the best jobs, land and houses, they still feel hard done by. An offering of meat will let them forget about the poor white issue for a few days.

PS: Ostrich sosaties from Woolies don’t count. You’ll be thought of as a sissy, or worse, a vegetarian.

Rule 2: Bring your own booze

Most Afrikaner houses are stocked with enough brandy and Coke to make the Dalai Lama take off his glasses and start muttering "Wat kyk jy?” to random unsuspecting males. On top of this, Afrikaners are extremely generous with their booze. Yet, this does not mean that you should arrive empty-handed, or – God forbid – toting a single bottle of expensive wine. That will immediately classify you as a “moffie”. Wine is for Sunday lunches only.

Afrikaners can dop like there’s no tomorrow. And apart from God and rugby, drinking is their religion. Chances are you’ll be forced to consume at least three shooters before you’ve even made it through the front door. If you refuse you will be seen as a stick-in-the-mud and this is worse than being a moffie, a sissy, or even a vegetarian.

Rule 3: Dress up

Afrikaner women believe that looking pretty is their duty. That’s why you’ll never catch them without high heels, full makeup, blow-dried hair and gel nails. At an informal party they’ll wear what is known as a jean. Just as there’s no such thing as too much eye shadow, there’s also no such thing as a too tight jean. Afrikaner women prefer a high-waisted jean (probably because most of them have gorgeous child-bearing hips) that shows off a bit of cameltoe. If a jean is low slung, expect to see a wide expanse of arse and a lacy g-string (or hol flos as they like to call it).

Afrikaner men will only wear a long pants if they need to hook their Leathermans onto their belts. But at parties they prefer to wear a shorts and nothing else. The length of the shorts depends on the size of their stomachs: the bigger the boep, the shorter the shorts.

Rule 3: Prepare to fight for your life

As a rule Afrikaners are ridiculously overgrown. This is probably because they are raised on meat and white supremacy. Even a 13 year-old Afrikaner girl is able to stand in as a prop for the Blitzbokke at a pinch if her parents will allow it. This is why, at an Afrikaner party, schoolyard displays of physical strength is required. Men, women and children will arm-wrestle you, make you pick up heavy things and try to drown you in the pool. This is called fun.

Rule 4: Dancing is non-negotiable

It doesn’t matter if you’re at a braai, a funeral, a christening or a dinner party - sooner or later you’ll be expected to “shake it”.

Of course, Afrikaners can’t shake anything besides a bottle of JC le Roux Le Domain or a cheeky Englishman, but yet they love dancing. Be prepared for anything from indoor windsurfing to moshing, but note that most prefer the type of dancing that requires a wide-legged stance with a lot of pelvic thrusting and hair shaking. If your better judgment or sense of shame prohibits you from joining, you will be picked up and dropped on the dance floor (probably on your head), or you will be thrown into the swimming pool. Again.

Final tips:

•    All Afrikaners have dogs. If you’re not white they will bark at you, because dogs are racist.

•    Older Afrikaners are notoriously un-PC. So don’t fall off your chair if the sweet little granny next to you blithely embarrasses herself by making racial slurs. Despite a whole lot of evidence to the contrary many Afrikaners aren’t actually white supremacists.

•    Although, a bunch of them are, so if you sense malice call them out on it, make a scene and then make a run for it. (Hey, it’s worked for me and I’m one of them.)

•    A party with Afrikaners can be one of the most enjoyable things you’ll ever do. Just try not to break anything – and with “anything” I mean your bones, your liver, and your heart.

50 shades of black and blue

Nope it’s not the sequel to the best selling safe use of Whips, Chains and Rubber toys D.I.Y book 50 shades of grey, it’s how my ankle and heel will be looking soon. Friday on way back from work at about 80kms per hour the back wheel of the scooter decided to burst.......... one moment your thinking about getting home and the Xmas holidays and the next your holding on to the handlebars for dear life, after fishtailing and nearly getting the scooter under control it decided to broadside and there i went sliding along the tarmac, luckily the rush hour traffic missed me. Was well impressed with the response of emergency vehicles and the police, all there within 3 minutes of me tar surfing. I found out that I don’t bounce anymore I just slide. Hole in hand (yep not wearing gloves) a swollen lip, scraped knees and a seriously sore right ankle and heel. The scooter fared better and not too much damage.

Had a neighbour mow their Frikken lawn at 6 am this morning, I mean who does that, if I can’t sleep I come and do some work on the computer not mow the lawn or use power tools on a Sunday am, some people just have no common sense or Frikken brains.................”Asshole”

The last 2 weeks I have been presenting the Safety Management course SAMTRAC. Had 9 students and hopefully they will all do well and be found Competent when their papers are marked. The one students car broke down on Friday and could not make the exam, so he will have to do it next year. That sucks after 2 weeks of hard work to not be able to get to do the exam.

Floods in Durban the last while have seen many dead from the flooding with the waters taking out railway lines right next to the sea that resulted in a train actually falling into the sea

We had a Staff Xmas party on Thursday at the Bridge Street Brewery near to the harbour, not as great as Clarens Brewery but “not too shabby Nige” had a tasting a tour of the brewing facilities and a lekker meal, I had prawns. Was a nice afternoon/evening.

A gent in PE (owns a big transport company) decided to buy himself a brand new Ferrari. He received it on Friday morning and drove it all over PE, as any proud owner of a Ferrari would and probably to show off (as so many of us would), by Friday afternoon the R3.5000 000 car was scrap metal after he managed to hit a truck and smash into a local undertakers wall, luckily for him he didn’t need the services of the undertaker, but his car is dead. He must feel like a real idiot, but at least he has a great conversation opener at parties.

Talking about cars our car odometer was reading 121212 kms this week which is pretty freaky after all the brooohaha about it being 12 seconds past 12 on the 12^th day of the 12 month 2012.

This is some sick shit just before Christmas: What kind of evil person would go on a rampage at a primary school 11 days before Christmas? Why would somebody do this? According to www.mirror.co.uk Sandy Hook is a junior primary school in a small town Newtown with a population of 27000 in Connecticut and is about 60 miles north of New York City. The school teaches children aged 5 to 10 years.

Roy Occhiogrosso Connecticut Gov Senior Adviser and his main law enforcement officer said they received calls at just after 9-31am (US time) this morning to say there had been a shooting. They have confirmed that 27 people are dead at the school including the shooter who was a 24 year old, Ryan Lanza. 20 children. 6 adults and the shooter were the bodies recovered at the school. According to reports, Lanza seemed to have first killed his father. He also killed his mother, a teacher at the school. Lanza was found dead inside the building. 2 handguns have been recovered. One witness said more than 100 rounds were fired.

I just love this photo of my mom and dad sister and brother in law who live in Gauteng,they live on a plot just outside Kempton park and as you can see they are horse mad.

There's an annual contest at the Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. this year's term was 'political correctness '. The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

Ok well only 9 days left to Xmas (maybe) and 5 days to end of the world, hell I have survived the Y2K bug, the meteorite that was going to hit earth and put an end to all life on the planet so I may just get lucky and still be around on the 22^nd so just in case that Mayan Nostradamus is not wrong I am going to wish you and your families a very Merry Xmas (Yes its Christmas and not Happy Holidays)

So this may be my last Blog, then again it may not.....................

Ciao

SPAD

No sense of humour

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what He thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel Shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is Negative and make sure his nuts are wet.

YOU MAY BE A MUSLIM IF

1. If you refine heroin for a living, But you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, But you can't afford shoes.

3. If you have more wives than teeth.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, But consider bacon unclean.

5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide.

6. If you can't think of anyone You haven't declared Jihad against.

7. If you consider television dangerous, But routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones Have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. If you have nothing against women And think every man should own at least four.

10. If you find this offensive or racist And aren’t laughing

The weather on Saturday in PE was awesome and Gabby and her friends wanted to go to Sards so Tania and I decided to go as well, the kids disappeared to a rock pool that gabby had discovered on her rides from Sardinia to Schoonies and Tania and I chilled on the beach. When we got there the beach was empty but didn’t take too long for it to fill up. Saw this huge jellyfish being carried by a gent from Mozambique (luckily he was not holding the sting part).

Sunday was the 7’s at Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium and it was a jol, great weather, good company and great atmosphere, lots of crazy people and yeah the rugby was pretty good as well. SA lost NZ in the semi-finals and if that was not bad enough the joy and celebrations of the local All Black supporters really pissed me off.

Just gotta love this , the headline says it all J

3 more days of work then on leave till 7 January and then i fly to joburg for a training conference, this year had been very busy and i think 2013 is going to get busier, got some goals for 2013 /2014 as need to up skill myself more and also need a new challenge. So i am looking at getting involved with auditing and construction as this will be a good combination.

Gabby has had a great Summer of 2012 so far and think it’s going to be a Summer she will never forget. Bike riding, horse riding, movies, friends and x boxing etc etc.

Ok well time to go

Enjoy the week

Ciao

SPAD

The end is Naai, Nay Nigh...................."Its The Final Countdown"

Before i start need to inform you that the Secrecy Bill was passed in parliament this week, "but don’tell anyone cause it’s a secret". Now people who impimpi (splab, rat, inform.) on wrongdoers could find themselves getting 15 years in jail with “Bubba” Seriously what kind of F%$#ked up shit is that?

Secrecy Bill passed in Parliament today

The controversial Protection of State Information Bill, dubbed the secrecy bill, has just been passed by the South African Parliament’s National Council of Provinces (NCOP). EWN reported that opposition Members of Parliament (MPs) had earlier voiced their concerns over the draft law. Council chairperson Mninawa Mahlangu said, “Those who vote in favour are 34 and those against the bill are 16. No one abstained [from the vote].”

Prior to proceedings, State Security Minister Siyabonga Cwele addressed MPs and downplayed concerns over the bill. He said, “It is not to protect criminals who steal state resources, including information, to be prosecuted. Let me assure you again that this bill does not permit the abuse of power.” Cwele said the proposed legislation was “very progressive” and urged people not to fear it. “To those who fear that the bill may be abused, we say, the only thing to fear is fear itself.”

Critics of the secrecy bill say it will allow corruption to flourish as whistleblowers could be jailed for up to 15 years. The Right2Know Campaign has since threatened to take the matter to court if the bill is passed in its current form. When asked if it was true that bill had been passed into law, Alf Lees, Democratic Alliance Member of the NCOP for KwaZulu-Natal, said, “I’m afraid so. It was to be expected. The next line of defence is the National Aseembly, which must now consider amendments proposed by the NCOP as well as any other amendments that they may propose. We must keep the pressure on.” Lees thanked the DA Abroad for its continued efforts in raising awareness about the secrecy bill.

Ok so its December and the end if the year is upon us. If we believe the Mayans we only have 19 days left cause on the 21st the world she is gone. I wonder though did they take time zones into consideration? Australia are hours ahead of South America, so was that factored in when the dude who decided that 21 December 2012 was the last day? That means Australia will get the end of the world before we do, so does that mean we will miss it or our end of the world ends on the 20^th? Unless of course they factored the time zones in and ensured that the end of the world would come at a time when it was the 21^st in every country......................well like Y2K we will have to wait and see what happens. I for one am not getting to worked up over it.

I have 2 weeks left (10 working days) until I go on Xmas leave and hopefully the world does not end on the 21^st otherwise I will only have 6 days leave and I really want the 23 days. I wonder if I should wait until the 22^nd to buy Xmas presents or take the chance and buy them before that? My last 10 days of work this year will be presenting SAMTRAC, must say been a really hard year and I am on auto pilot at the moment, running on fumes so I am going to have to put in one last push to ensure the students get the best out of me for those 10 days..................here is a photo of the scooter piled up with training material for a SHEQ (Safety, Health, Environment and Quality) workshop at Coega business center 32 kms away from PE.

Next Sunday a few friends and i are going to watch the 7s here at the Nelson Mandela Bay stadium, hopefully the Blitzbokke will play better, beaten by Portugal in Dubai and did not play well. Should be a great weekend though and hopefully the atmosphere is going to be electric.

In the 15 man game England produced one of their finest performances ever to stun New Zealand 38-21 and end the world champions' 20-game unbeaten run in the most spectacular style on a memorable and quite remarkable afternoon at Twickenham on Saturday. Seems that the New Zealanders had been sick during the week (sounds like 95 Susie is back in town) and perhaps this is why they let the Poms win. The Poms will be strutting around like they are the world champs mow and the team will all probably go on the Queens honours list and get knighthoods....”oh and don’t forget the parade”

So Lady Gaga is in SA for a couple of concerts and the Anti-devil brigade are besides themselves that the government would not allow the Dali Lama into the country but gladly allow “Beelebubs” daughter to come and corrupt the youth of SA (got news for you, think that has been achieved already, they have so many local role models to corrupt them). Anyway a local fan from Boksburg (far behind the Boerewors curtain) decided to dress up for the concert and be able to have a braai afterwards.

This week I got my first Randela notes, have to say while i don’t have an issue with Nelson Mandela i do not like the fact that we are now putting ex-leaders faces on the notes, I mean we could end up with Jacob Zuma or god forbid Juilius Malema on future currency. Talking about our illustrious leader JZ it would seem that not only did he build himself a R250 000 0000 residence on a R900 000 bond (shit we should make him minister of finance)it would now seem that he used our hard earned tax money to build houses or at least renovate them for his brothers as well......................As Mel Brooks would say “It’s good to be the KING”

Gabby is out riding again today, we now lease a horse for her about 6kms from the house and near the beach. The horse is called Macky D and Gabby is the only one that can ride him properly, so with that and a her own saddle (yep bought her a saddle for her birthday) “but didn’t she get a motorbike for her 16th birthday” I hear you say. Correct but she needed a saddle and daddy caved in and purchased one. I am now scouring the “wanted ads” looking for people not wanting to wait for years for an organ transplant to see if there is anything I could sell, hopefully i get a Xmas bonus this year.

Last Sunday we were at the toy run, Gabby was 1 year old when she attended her first toy run in Nelspruit way back in 1997 , last Sunday she rode to the toy run on her own bike and was 1 day shy of her 16^th birthday.........”Time flies when you’re having fun”

Looks like the Proteas are in control in the 3^rd test against the Aussies with a lead of over 550 with 2 days to go and 5 wickets still in hand, Amla just missed his double century being caught and bowled by Johnson for 196 and de Villiers is on 150 from just 160 balls, so hopefully at the very least we will draw the game which means WE WILL BE THE NUMBER 1 TEAM IN THE WORLD, The Aussies have to win to be the number 1 team. But cricket is a funny game so hopefully there is no twist to this final test.

Weather today in PE is super hot and humid went to do some Xmas shopping and ended up at barneys for a cold one. The beaches are busy and everyone seems to be getting in a Holiday mood, hopefully the weather plays along this season.

On a Sad note a former friend and the Goromonzi farmboy MC founder Walter “Wingman” Siviter passed away this week from what it seems was a heart attack. While in latter years we did not always see eye to eye and I resigned from the club, I remember the good days and the laughs we shared. “Walter I was saddened to hear of your passing, you leave behind family and friends and you will be missed by them. Wingman , until we meet again...................Ride it like its stolen”

Well that’s it for this week.

Ciao

SPAD

Waxing lyrically

This was sent to me by my lovely wife and i was crying with laughter reading it...............Enjoy

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now…the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,” yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out…must stay conscious… Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied my self to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter – “So, my butt and ‘who-ha’ are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?”

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!! It works!!”

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair……… THE HAIR IS STILL THERE……… ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color…..

Your crying with laughter aren't you ?

History of the Cocktail

With Summer “hopefully” here in the Eastern Cape many of its inhabitants will be heading for the beachfront and head for a local pub or cocktail lounge, so thought I would look up the history of the cocktail and “edumecate” all 6 of my readers at the same time.

Many people seem to have theories about how mixed drinks got the name cocktails. The truth is probably no one actually knows so here are some of those theories and u can decide which is the one you think more plausible.

The first written evidence of the word dates back to 1806 when a newspaper called the Columbian Repository wrote a story about a politician losing 12b of “cock-a-tails”, an interested reader then wrote back asking what these cocktails are and as to where he can acquire some for medicinal use.

Other stories as to the words origin are the following

A French Chemist in New-Orleans served strong drinks in tiny egg cups that the French call “coqueitier” and the drinks were therefore called “coquetiers” which soon changed to cocktails.

Another (and perhaps my favorite) is the one that has Betsy Flanagan a barmaid and widow of a French Revolutionary soldier used to steal roosters from a neighbour who was unsympathetic to the cause in order to feed revolutionaries who came to her establishment. She decorated her drinks with the colorful tail feathers as a gesture of defiance and her loyal customers would raise their glasses and drink a toast to “vive-le-cock-tail”

A more logical explanation or origin of the word probably comes from England where the local pubs would pour all the last bits of different spirits that was left in casks into one holder called a “tale” and the plug used to stopper the cask was called “yes you guessed it” a “cock”. So patrons would enter and ask for “cock-tales”

Another that if found interesting dates back to the prohibition days (1919-1933) when people distilling their own “moonshine”. This form of spirit is raw and vile tasting and could not be enjoyed just on its own, so to mask the horrible taste they added fruit juices, soda or fruit to the raw alcohol.

The prohibition also banned the sale of or transport of all alcohol, but it was still legal to drink any stocks of spirits you already had in your home. Those lucky or devious enough to have bottles of real booze in their homes obviously became “popular” hosts. They could invite friends over to entertain them without having to look over their shoulders for the long arm of the law, they could “speak easy”. Clandestine bars sprang up all over the USA attempting to copy this atmosphere and became known as “speak-easies”.

Ok well the edumacting part of the Blog is over, what else do i have to tell you ? well this must be the first weekend since i can remember that the weather has been nice. Blue skies, no wind and no Frikken rain. Sat beaches busy with locals taking advantage of the sun and the surf

The Boks survived a spirited Irish team on Saturday to narrowly win 16-12 , the Irish were a weakend team from the one the All Blacks mugged 60-0 not to long ago so that ether tells me the All Blacks are way better than us or the replacements the Irish coach included in his team are better than the one s that took a hiding against the New Zealanders. The Boks have not looked good under Heyneke Meyer and hopefully he has a plan

This week i was in Mosell Bay for a couple of days doing a risk assessment for Portnet, was interesting and a change to the training in a classroom. As much as i enjoy the job i have to say that i can’t wait for the year to be finished as I am mentally tired. Had the flu this week so not felt so lekker hopefully by tomorrow it will be gone as need to present SAMTRAC for the next two weeks.

Well that’s it for this week

Have a great one

SPAD

Im’e not a racist but........................Please be patient

Words you have either heard or uttered yourself at some stage or another over the last few days, weeks, years. Usually after the words comes the tirade about the government, BEE , service delivery, state of the schools, roads, lack of sunshine etc etc. Have to admit that while over the years i have defended the government my patients is starting to wear just a little thin a how the ANC are Fking up the country and still not accepting responsibility for it. In the 80’s they promised to make ZA ungovernable who would have thought they would have got it right while actually running the country themselves...........................Get your act together assholes. And stop blaming the whites, rinderpestt, global warming and Verwoerd for all yoru shortcomings otherwise our currency will be worth shit in a few years time.

2 weeks ago I was in a “town called Clarens” for its 100^th birthday celebrations have been real lethargic in writing what i felt about the trip, which is perhaps good as i had time to mull over the time spent in what was once “my village”

Well the trip to Clarens was wet to start with as it rained all the way from PE to Aliwal North (and then continued to rain in PE until we got back) I then played “pothole” between Rouxville and Ladybrand with me reaching level 9 between Hobhouse and Ladybrand, in fact at one stage i contemplated driving in the veld (field or dale for those non South African readers) as i am sure it would have been a smoother ride.

Basically Clarens was a blur of drink eat and sell books, with a few highlights thrown in between and in no particular order.

1. Clarens Blonde

S. Seeing Mark Natalie and Stephan

3. Friends

4. Clarens Blonde

5. Being interviewd on radio OFM (while drinking a blonde)

6. Clarens Blonde

7. Beer Bombs

8. Selling enough books to pay for the trip

9. Seeing Dave and Barbara Green (was awesome to see them)

1 . Meeting Meatbombs Fiance Shelly.

1 . Clarens Blonde

1 . Beer bombs

1 . Seeing Jeanelle, Di and Kelvin

1 . More Clarens Blonde and Beer Bombs

Must say was disappointed that we did not see so many of the locals that we had been friends with over the years or those that we did see didn’t really make the effort to chat................oh well i suppose that’s what happens when you have not been around for a couple of years, but have to say that i don’t think there is a sense of community in the village like there was before. The trip back was ok and came via Craddock as a large section of theN2 between Grahamstown and PE just did a “David Copperfield” and disappeared.

The rains really caused Havoc in this part of the world, especially along the coastal road between PE and East London, probably adding another 100kms and 2 hours to the journey. I have not been to EL for a month now and don’t forsee going to next year. Probably going to Mossel bay on Wednesday for a couple of days.3^rd avenue dip , the route i take to work is also closed at the moment ue to damage from the flood waters, i am still using it as the scooter can get passed the humps and bumps, but had to take the car to work on Friday and took 1 hour to get the 6.5 kms to work.............now i know why i ride a scooter.

Still gyming, in fact just got back from torturing myself this morning, while its hard (especially at this advanced age) i do enjoy it.

Gabby has a new horse that she is riding, its called Beau and is a Friesland, she s chuffed because she gets to ride her motorbike to go and ride. Must say she is a good rider (horse and motorbike)

I am suffering from PMS (parked motorbike syndrome) Triumph has been out of action for over a month but hopefully soon she will be ready to take on a long ride. Really miss being able to get on the bike and go for a long fast ride. Been watching the latest season of Sons of Anarchy.......great series and if you have never watched it do yourself a favour and grab seasons 1-4 and you will get hooked.

Weather is lekker today so looks like we will hook up with Rob and go for a beach walk at Schoonies and then have a beer or two to quench the thirst afterwards.

Well that’s it for this week, know i have been remiss in not writing for a while but I have been busy and at this time of the year really mentally tired, I have also been writing to chapters fpr a book that will be published in Portugal within the next year , one on Daniel Roxo and another i have been asked to write about a Alves Cardoso and a special forces unit called the Flecha’s (arrows) that operated in Angola and Mozambique..............very excited about that as the gent assisting with information has taken myself and my good friend in Portugal “Luiz” intro his confidence and is assisting however he can, so it will be the first time most of the info that I am writing about will be published.

Ok well have a great week, thanks for continuing to read the intermittent Blogs and don’t forget Xmas is just around the corner. And i have found my xmas present , its a 2 book history of 32 Battalion and costs a mere , drum roll please................................R850. Dear Santa i have .........

Ciao

SPAD